Have to have a biopsy

Well, I went for my b.reast ultrasound on Thursday and got some not-so-great but hopefully not too terrible news. They found a small mass (9 mm) in the b.reast that had been having the brownish discharge, and they want to biopsy it the week after Thanksgiving. The good news is that it is smooth and small and the radiologist was pretty sure that it was benign.

Still, not a great thing to have to worry about while I'm pregnant and trying to stay low stress.

So that's what's going on with me. Wish me luck.

Symptoms and such

The pregnancy app on my phone informs me today that at eight weeks, baby is the size of a raspberry and my uterus is the size of a grapefruit. I can definitely feel my uterus is bigger, especially when I'm rocking E and he is leaning back against me. If feels weird. I also have quite a belly going, although it just looks chubsy and not pregnant - the progesterone adds a lovely bit of bloating to that.

Here are the symptoms I have had so far:
-Cramping: this was worse earlier in the pregnancy and still kind of comes and goes. Sometimes it gets really intense (like menstrual cramps) and worries me, but I have to remember that with E I cramped until about 20 weeks.
-Sore back: this is much worse than with E's pregnancy, probably because I wasn't hauling around a 30-pound toddler at that time. It just gets tight and sore super easily, especially my lower back.
-Fatigue: this comes and goes. Sometimes I'll be feeling fine and then suddenly feel as if I have been run over. There's a pile of clean laundry on the bed (something I NEVER allow) because after folding two shirts I simply couldn't move anymore and had to go lie down.
Nausea: I don't have anything even approaching morning sickness, but when my stomach gets too empty I will get nauseous until I eat something. I seem to need to eat pretty steadily throughout the day to keep from feeling sick.
-Numbness and tingling in my arms: This started in last week, and while the Internet assures me it is perfectly normal, I'll call my doctor tomorrow to make sure it's okay. It's kind of just that "pins and needles" feeling and it seems to happen when I lie down to rest or stay in one position for a long time.

And now the kind of scary one: breast discharge.

Last week, I noticed some brownish spots on my bras, just a couple of little spots every day. I told my doctor and she was a bit concerned; while breast discharge in early pregnancy is not uncommon, it is usually whitish in color. Since this same breast has cysts in it that have caused me to have a mammogram and an MRI within the past year (both were clear), they are sending me for a breast ultrasound on Thursday. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it, but at least after Thursday I will hopefully have some answers.

So that's what's going on with me. I go in for my first doctor's appointment on December 6, which seems a long way off but in reality really isn't that far away. Time seems to passing incredibly slowly right now, but I am working on being as "Zen" as I can during the pregnancy. I'm doing everything I can, so I'm trying to just relax and accept things as they are.

Did anyone else have the tingling during early pregnancy? If so, drop me a line and let me know. It makes me a wee bit nervous.

Have a happy Monday, ya'll.

We have a heartbeat!

Finally, gratefully made it to our ultrasound today. My bladder was about to burst as the tech put the wand on my stomach. She said there was something there, but it was too tiny to see. I emptied my bladder and out came the wand. I didn't move, or breathe, or allow myself to open my eyes.

"And there's baby," she said.

"Is there a heartbeat?" I asked.

"Yes, there it is."

And I finally opened my eyes. I saw that little flicker of life, and I allowed myself to breathe again.

The heartbeat was 115, which I understand is on the low side but still within normal range. I measured 7 weeks 3 days, with a due date of June 30.

It was a frustrating day with lots of challenges, and I have some other health issues I'm dealing with, but I'll fill in about those later.

For now, I am allowing myself to relax a bit and feel joy. E, Mr M and I are going to go grab some Mexican food tonight to celebrate.

I feel like I'm pretending

Our ultrasound to check for a heartbeat is tomorrow at 1 pm. That means that by this time tomorrow, I will know what is going on.

The two weeks since my last ultrasound have gone by with absolutely agonizing slowness. Every day seems to drag and every spare moment is filled with thoughts and worry.

Mr. M. and I spent five days in New Orleans for our anniversary, which was fun...ish. It was super weird and awkward being there and not able to drink or go to bars and have to schedule things around me having to lie down for my progesterone suppositories. At least we ate a lot of good food.

Since we were originally supposed to fly, we had to tell our families that we would be driving and tell them we were pregnant. I also mentioned to several people in New Orleans that I was pregnant.

And every single time, I felt like I was pretending, or faking it, or that it wasn't really true. That it couldn't possibly be true.

About a week ago, I made a decision to give myself permission to feel joy and excitement about this pregnancy. Superstition and fear be damned. Because I know that it is absolutely true that I am doing everything I can to help this baby grow, and that allowing myself to hope is not going to lower my chances of success. It will hurt just the same if it goes wrong whether I was hopeful or not.

So I have been dreaming, and smiling, and praying for this little one to stay with me, and be strong, and healthy, and beautiful.

I will let you know what happens tomorrow.