I just barely squeaked through the deadline to sign up for April's ICLW, and I'm glad I did!
About me:
I'm a cancer survivor - I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma at the age of 17. My treatment was pretty easy compared to what some cancer patients had to endure. I married my husband, Mr. M., in November of 2006 and we decided to have kids after about five years of marriage.
At my yearly OBGYN checkup (4.5 years of marriage later) this winter, I asked about my cancer treatments causing infertility problems. I was sent for some tests and got the phone call no woman wants to get - bad news. I was diagnosed with high FSH before we had even started TTC.
It was shocking and more than a bit disheartening to know BEFORE the fact that we have a rough road ahead of us.
My OBGYN referred me to a high FSH-friendly RE in my area, who unfortunately didn't have an open appointment until June 16. So now, we wait. In the meantime I am buying fertility books like a madwoman and trying as hard as I can to increase my fertility naturally. I have given up caffeine, alcohol and the hot baths I love, as well as running and exercising vigorously. I've started the S.outh B.each diet and am trying my hardest to keep those high glycemic index carbs out of my system.
I'm still really new to this whole thing, and I very much appreciate anyone who takes the time out of their own heartbreak and stress to send a little bit of encouragement my way. I would love to join this tight-knit, supportive community of bloggers!
So thanks for stopping by!
Showing posts with label High FSH. Show all posts
Showing posts with label High FSH. Show all posts
Thursday, April 21, 2011
How do I know?
Am I ovulating? How do I know?
Today is day 16 of my first birth control-free cycle, and I've been charting my BBT and doing an OPK every day. So far, no noticable drop or rise in temperature, and no smiley face on the OPK screen. :(
I have, however, been feeling kind of crampy in my lower abdomen for the past two days. Am I just imagining this? The cramps feel pretty darn real and aren't really like period cramps. Should we go ahead and do a BD even though I have no idea how long my cycle is going to be?
This is all so confusing and overwhelming. It's so strange to be doing things backwards - to KNOW that I'm going to have problems conceiving before we have even tried.
Still waiting for my smiley face...
Today is day 16 of my first birth control-free cycle, and I've been charting my BBT and doing an OPK every day. So far, no noticable drop or rise in temperature, and no smiley face on the OPK screen. :(
I have, however, been feeling kind of crampy in my lower abdomen for the past two days. Am I just imagining this? The cramps feel pretty darn real and aren't really like period cramps. Should we go ahead and do a BD even though I have no idea how long my cycle is going to be?
This is all so confusing and overwhelming. It's so strange to be doing things backwards - to KNOW that I'm going to have problems conceiving before we have even tried.
Still waiting for my smiley face...
Monday, April 4, 2011
Infertility and the South Beach Diet
I'm going to just come right on out and say it, folks.
I'm overweight.
There it is, in all its plus-sized glory. I've always been overweight (no, not obese) and have struggled my whole life with finding a. a weight that makes me feel comfortable with myself and b. ways to learn to love myself that have nothing to so with weight.
That being said, when we had our meeting with out OBGYN a couple of weeks ago, I asked if losing some weight could help me in regards to future infertility treatments. Remember, my first appointment with the RE isn't until June 16. She said that yes, it always helps, even though I'm not a person with a lot of weight to lose.
*Editor's Note: At 5'8" and 191 pounds, I beg to differ! But I digress...*
Anyway, the OBGYN said that the best diet for infertility is the South Beach diet. She said that Phase 1 is really hard, so I should probably just start with Phase 2. I had heard of it before but didn't really know what the program entailed. So when I made my frantic and determined dash to the book store, I added a paperback of the SBD to my stack.
I dove in right away, and the program looked pretty good! In case you're not familiar with the program, it involves three phases: Phase 1 has you cut out ALL high glycemic index carbs, including any type of bread or grain, all fruit and fruit juices, and all sugar, alcohol and caffeine. Supposedly, during Phase 1 you can expect to lose 8 to 13 pounds in the first two weeks! Sweet! Phase two adds back in small amounts of whole grain carbs and fruits, as well as allowing for an occasional glass of red wine. During Phase 2 you are losing weight at a healthy rate - about 1 to 2 pounds a week. Phase 3 is the "maintenance" stage where you adopt the diet as a permanent lifestyle change to help keep the weight off.
One of my good friends decided to try it with me. I had a dressy charitable event coming up in two weeks and losing 8 to 13 pounds sounded pretty darn good to me! I hit the protein and vegetable sections of the grocery store HARD, and off I went!
Let me tell you something about Phase 1. It. Sucks. Balls.
For one thing, there is no flexibility with breakfast. You either have tofu (YUCK) or eggs. I'm not a fan of eggs. After morning of choking them down, I finally figured out that I can stomach them best scrambled with mushrooms and Canadian bacon.
Secondly, I lost all of my energy. Cutting all those carbs out caused me to crash, and while I recovered from that initial crash I still spend time each day feeling weak, dizzy and totally out of it.
Finally, you are SO restricted in your food choices that it makes eating out almost impossible. I was "that girl" scraping the breading off of her chicken at Olive Garden and "that girl" asking for veggies with no oil.
But dammit, I am a stubborn person, and I haven't made it this far only to give up! I am currently on Day 9 of the first phase, with only 5 more days to go until my dressy charity event. I plan to put on my fancy dress and heels, grab Mr. M. and immediately have a BIG glass of red wine. I will also probably eat whatever I want that night and move on to Phase 2 the next morning.
ALL of my fertility books support a healthy diet as a way to naturally increase your fertility. During the LONG wait before my RE appointment, it feels great to know that I am actually DOING something to help myself. That includes charting my BBT starting this week (to see if I am actually ovulating), using OPKs, taking prenatal vitamins and EFAs (essential fatty acids), and trying as hard as we can to conceive naturally.
It may not be a lot of fun for me right now, but I just focus on a picture in my mind:
Me, sitting on my back porch with a plate of cheese and crackers and a BIG glass of wine...
watching my children play in the grass in front of me.
That dream is worth any amount of personal sacrifice or discomfort to me.
I'm overweight.
There it is, in all its plus-sized glory. I've always been overweight (no, not obese) and have struggled my whole life with finding a. a weight that makes me feel comfortable with myself and b. ways to learn to love myself that have nothing to so with weight.
That being said, when we had our meeting with out OBGYN a couple of weeks ago, I asked if losing some weight could help me in regards to future infertility treatments. Remember, my first appointment with the RE isn't until June 16. She said that yes, it always helps, even though I'm not a person with a lot of weight to lose.
*Editor's Note: At 5'8" and 191 pounds, I beg to differ! But I digress...*
Anyway, the OBGYN said that the best diet for infertility is the South Beach diet. She said that Phase 1 is really hard, so I should probably just start with Phase 2. I had heard of it before but didn't really know what the program entailed. So when I made my frantic and determined dash to the book store, I added a paperback of the SBD to my stack.
I dove in right away, and the program looked pretty good! In case you're not familiar with the program, it involves three phases: Phase 1 has you cut out ALL high glycemic index carbs, including any type of bread or grain, all fruit and fruit juices, and all sugar, alcohol and caffeine. Supposedly, during Phase 1 you can expect to lose 8 to 13 pounds in the first two weeks! Sweet! Phase two adds back in small amounts of whole grain carbs and fruits, as well as allowing for an occasional glass of red wine. During Phase 2 you are losing weight at a healthy rate - about 1 to 2 pounds a week. Phase 3 is the "maintenance" stage where you adopt the diet as a permanent lifestyle change to help keep the weight off.
One of my good friends decided to try it with me. I had a dressy charitable event coming up in two weeks and losing 8 to 13 pounds sounded pretty darn good to me! I hit the protein and vegetable sections of the grocery store HARD, and off I went!
Let me tell you something about Phase 1. It. Sucks. Balls.
For one thing, there is no flexibility with breakfast. You either have tofu (YUCK) or eggs. I'm not a fan of eggs. After morning of choking them down, I finally figured out that I can stomach them best scrambled with mushrooms and Canadian bacon.
Secondly, I lost all of my energy. Cutting all those carbs out caused me to crash, and while I recovered from that initial crash I still spend time each day feeling weak, dizzy and totally out of it.
Finally, you are SO restricted in your food choices that it makes eating out almost impossible. I was "that girl" scraping the breading off of her chicken at Olive Garden and "that girl" asking for veggies with no oil.
But dammit, I am a stubborn person, and I haven't made it this far only to give up! I am currently on Day 9 of the first phase, with only 5 more days to go until my dressy charity event. I plan to put on my fancy dress and heels, grab Mr. M. and immediately have a BIG glass of red wine. I will also probably eat whatever I want that night and move on to Phase 2 the next morning.
ALL of my fertility books support a healthy diet as a way to naturally increase your fertility. During the LONG wait before my RE appointment, it feels great to know that I am actually DOING something to help myself. That includes charting my BBT starting this week (to see if I am actually ovulating), using OPKs, taking prenatal vitamins and EFAs (essential fatty acids), and trying as hard as we can to conceive naturally.
It may not be a lot of fun for me right now, but I just focus on a picture in my mind:
Me, sitting on my back porch with a plate of cheese and crackers and a BIG glass of wine...
watching my children play in the grass in front of me.
That dream is worth any amount of personal sacrifice or discomfort to me.
Monday, March 28, 2011
A Toilet Shower Makes for a Crappy Day
My day literally, LITERALLY started out with a toilet shower. After taking a sick day yesterday, I stumbled into work bleary-eyed and already hating the world. At 8:30 I headed to the bathroom. After finishing my "business" I stood up and the automatic toilet flusher thing went off.
And fired a huge spray of water up and out from the pipes at the top of the toilet.
My back was drenched and I was in total disbelief of what had just happened. Luckily, it was the clean water that sprayed me and not the ACTUAL toilet water, or I might still be on the floor in hysterics.
My day did not improve from then on. Working on huge projects all day and the receptionist called in sick so I had to man the front desk while also trying to get my own work done. Not a great day.
Last night I journeyed to the wonderful haven of Barnes and Noble to pick out a notebook. It took me a good twenty minutes of comparing and contrasting design, sturdiness, line width and number of pages. I am a writer and very specific about being comfortable when I write. I chose a spiral-bound so I can write with ease on both the fronts and backs of the pages. It's a brightly-colored design of owls, made of recycled materials.
I paid for the notebook (and an inspirational bookmark which I shall share later), bought myself a coffee, and wandered to the fertility books. I picked out three of them ("Infertility for Dummies" being among them) and settled in a comfy chair. I opened my notebook with a satisfying creak and proceeded to write the following entry:
"I spent an inordinate amount of time choosing the journal, searching for one that was Just Right. If has to feel right - sturdy, cheerful and supportive enough to bear the weight of a pen in distress. I believe this one will do the job. I also purchased a bookmark that says:
'BE courageous! HAVE faith! GO forward!' - Edison
It seems an appropriate sentiment as I go forward with this journey. I just hope I don't lose the stupid bookmark.
Later...
So much time choosing the bookmark, in fact, that I didn't even get a chance to glance at the three fertility books I had picked out in the store. I had to rush off to a meeting and sit with a pregnant girl on my left and a girl holding a newborn on my right. Super fun, I assure you.
It's probably a good thing I didn't read the books. I'm trying to limit those types of activities as much as I can until I actually talk to the doctor, with a few slip-ups (frantically searching the Web for any nugget of information or hope).
Right now I'm just suspended in an awful kind of stasis as I wait for the opportunity to do my blood work again, wait for the results, and wait to speak with the doctor.
Far too much waiting on an issue that will affect my life immeasureably."
The notebook will become my journal, my notebook, my haven of ideas, book titles and research. I hope it will help me to write out my feelings instead of letting them boil inside of me.
On the very first page I wrote:
"Journal Started March 1, 2011"
with a lot of blank space beneath it.
Hopefully someday, that blank space will contain the names and birthdates of my children.
And fired a huge spray of water up and out from the pipes at the top of the toilet.
My back was drenched and I was in total disbelief of what had just happened. Luckily, it was the clean water that sprayed me and not the ACTUAL toilet water, or I might still be on the floor in hysterics.
My day did not improve from then on. Working on huge projects all day and the receptionist called in sick so I had to man the front desk while also trying to get my own work done. Not a great day.
Last night I journeyed to the wonderful haven of Barnes and Noble to pick out a notebook. It took me a good twenty minutes of comparing and contrasting design, sturdiness, line width and number of pages. I am a writer and very specific about being comfortable when I write. I chose a spiral-bound so I can write with ease on both the fronts and backs of the pages. It's a brightly-colored design of owls, made of recycled materials.
I paid for the notebook (and an inspirational bookmark which I shall share later), bought myself a coffee, and wandered to the fertility books. I picked out three of them ("Infertility for Dummies" being among them) and settled in a comfy chair. I opened my notebook with a satisfying creak and proceeded to write the following entry:
"I spent an inordinate amount of time choosing the journal, searching for one that was Just Right. If has to feel right - sturdy, cheerful and supportive enough to bear the weight of a pen in distress. I believe this one will do the job. I also purchased a bookmark that says:
'BE courageous! HAVE faith! GO forward!' - Edison
It seems an appropriate sentiment as I go forward with this journey. I just hope I don't lose the stupid bookmark.
Later...
So much time choosing the bookmark, in fact, that I didn't even get a chance to glance at the three fertility books I had picked out in the store. I had to rush off to a meeting and sit with a pregnant girl on my left and a girl holding a newborn on my right. Super fun, I assure you.
It's probably a good thing I didn't read the books. I'm trying to limit those types of activities as much as I can until I actually talk to the doctor, with a few slip-ups (frantically searching the Web for any nugget of information or hope).
Right now I'm just suspended in an awful kind of stasis as I wait for the opportunity to do my blood work again, wait for the results, and wait to speak with the doctor.
Far too much waiting on an issue that will affect my life immeasureably."
The notebook will become my journal, my notebook, my haven of ideas, book titles and research. I hope it will help me to write out my feelings instead of letting them boil inside of me.
On the very first page I wrote:
"Journal Started March 1, 2011"
with a lot of blank space beneath it.
Hopefully someday, that blank space will contain the names and birthdates of my children.
The Wait. Is Killing Me.
Increasingly I find that the worst part of this experience (so far, of course) is WAITING. Waiting for Aunt Flo to visit again, which won’t happen until March. Tenth. Next MONTH. God, it always seems like I want the time between “visits” to last as long as possible. Never in my life have I wanted it to HURRY UP like I do right now.
Once Aunt F. arrives I will be able to go have my bloodwork done again. Then I will be (again) waiting for the results. Then waiting to meet with my doctor.
Essentially, waiting to see how the rest of my life is going to turn out.
I am restless. I can’t focus on anything. I can’t make myself do my work; work that really needs to be done. I can’t keep myself away from the Internet and the countless blogs and Web sites about infertility. I can’t make myself stop.
I haven’t even started trying to get pregnant yet, and already I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Once Aunt F. arrives I will be able to go have my bloodwork done again. Then I will be (again) waiting for the results. Then waiting to meet with my doctor.
Essentially, waiting to see how the rest of my life is going to turn out.
I am restless. I can’t focus on anything. I can’t make myself do my work; work that really needs to be done. I can’t keep myself away from the Internet and the countless blogs and Web sites about infertility. I can’t make myself stop.
I haven’t even started trying to get pregnant yet, and already I feel like I’m losing my mind.
I Always Thought it Would Be Easy
I always thought it would be easy.
I mean, it sounds easy right? That’s the way to the Great American Dream – go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, and THEN start living your life.
Sometimes it isn’t that easy, turns out.
I got the phone call from my OBGYN office on Friday morning. The nurse was bright, cheerful – too cheerful – telling me all of my great test results, without mentioning the super-important blood work that had me a nervous wreck. I finally had to ask her about it, and her voice changed.
My heart thudded painfully in my chest.
My LH (lutenizing hormone) was normal – a 6. My FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) - a 14.
Not good.
Google it if you’d like, but it all basically boils down to this – the more your eggs drop in quantity or quality, the higher your FSH number goes. They want my FSH number to be closer to my LH number.
The good news (right?) was that my ovaries are still functioning. The chemo hadn’t killed them completely.
So that’s…something…right?
The nurse was all full of reassurances and said we needed to do the test one more time to make sure it wasn’t a fluke reading. So now I have to wait another three weeks, drive 40 minutes out of my way on a Saturday again, and then wait in complete terror for another week to get the results. More terror that before – terror with a terrible weight behind it.
If the FSH number is high again, I will have to go in and meet with the doctor to talk about it. I am terrified of it.
I think the worst part, to me, is the shock. Given my medical history, I tend to be a pessimist when waiting for test results, expecting the worst. This time, for some reason, I actually expected it to go my way.
Oh, I wish so badly it had gone my way.
I never, ever thought it would be this hard.
I keep trying to tell myself that I don’t have anything to worry about yet. First, I need to do the test again and see if the number is still high. If it is, then I can allow myself some worry. Next, I meet with my doctor to talk about it. That meeting I am dreading more that anything else. What if she tells me it’s hopeless? What if she gives me some awful, depressing statistics about my chance of actually conceiving and/or carrying to term? What if she just flat-out tells me it’s not going to happen?
Sheer. Terror.
Right now, I’m going through a complete roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I find a curious peace with it. This was my initial response after I cried my eyes out for a good hour. I thought, “Hey, I am dealing with this SO WELL!” And then, of course, by the next day I was a total wreck about it.
It doesn’t help that my peer group is completely booming with babies right now. They are literally falling from the sky around me. You know those women who want babies who cry when someone in a trashy romance novel gets pregnant or who stare with wistful jealousy at Facebook photos of baby showers and pregnancy portraits? I have already become That Woman, and I’m not even trying to get pregnant yet!
Bless Mr. M. for being so sweetly patient and supportive (he even researched FSH himself) and for rubbing my back while I was sobbing in the bathtub last night. Bless my amazing mother for being so supportive, for letting me cut short my visit to her house late Saturday night so I could drive an hour back through the country to my bed and my husband’s arms. Bless my wonderful sister for helping me find some humor in it even as she is going through some awful times of her own.
I haven’t really done any research about high FSH levels and their possible treatments and options. In fact, I’m kind of forbidding myself to do so. I feel like I need to get the second test done, and then if it’s still high I need to get my doctor visit over with (luckily I LOVE my OBGYN), and then I will allow myself to spend eight hours a day on Web sites and message boards and forums.
I did research it a bit after the phone call, just so I could learn what it was. In my browsing I even found a support group message board where women were posting their success stories of pregnancy with high FSH levels. I am so glad I found that page. It has now become kind of a beacon of hope in my tossed and shattered psyche that I turn to when the sadness threatens to overwhelm me.
Today, however, I did start researching natural and herbal fertility boosters, and found some really helpful articles. This one especially I love. It shows me there is plenty that I can do to help boost my own fertility, especially in the months before we start trying.
It gives me hope, and hope is pretty thin on the ground in the M household right now.
Stay with me…
I mean, it sounds easy right? That’s the way to the Great American Dream – go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, and THEN start living your life.
Sometimes it isn’t that easy, turns out.
I got the phone call from my OBGYN office on Friday morning. The nurse was bright, cheerful – too cheerful – telling me all of my great test results, without mentioning the super-important blood work that had me a nervous wreck. I finally had to ask her about it, and her voice changed.
My heart thudded painfully in my chest.
My LH (lutenizing hormone) was normal – a 6. My FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) - a 14.
Not good.
Google it if you’d like, but it all basically boils down to this – the more your eggs drop in quantity or quality, the higher your FSH number goes. They want my FSH number to be closer to my LH number.
The good news (right?) was that my ovaries are still functioning. The chemo hadn’t killed them completely.
So that’s…something…right?
The nurse was all full of reassurances and said we needed to do the test one more time to make sure it wasn’t a fluke reading. So now I have to wait another three weeks, drive 40 minutes out of my way on a Saturday again, and then wait in complete terror for another week to get the results. More terror that before – terror with a terrible weight behind it.
If the FSH number is high again, I will have to go in and meet with the doctor to talk about it. I am terrified of it.
I think the worst part, to me, is the shock. Given my medical history, I tend to be a pessimist when waiting for test results, expecting the worst. This time, for some reason, I actually expected it to go my way.
Oh, I wish so badly it had gone my way.
I never, ever thought it would be this hard.
I keep trying to tell myself that I don’t have anything to worry about yet. First, I need to do the test again and see if the number is still high. If it is, then I can allow myself some worry. Next, I meet with my doctor to talk about it. That meeting I am dreading more that anything else. What if she tells me it’s hopeless? What if she gives me some awful, depressing statistics about my chance of actually conceiving and/or carrying to term? What if she just flat-out tells me it’s not going to happen?
Sheer. Terror.
Right now, I’m going through a complete roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I find a curious peace with it. This was my initial response after I cried my eyes out for a good hour. I thought, “Hey, I am dealing with this SO WELL!” And then, of course, by the next day I was a total wreck about it.
It doesn’t help that my peer group is completely booming with babies right now. They are literally falling from the sky around me. You know those women who want babies who cry when someone in a trashy romance novel gets pregnant or who stare with wistful jealousy at Facebook photos of baby showers and pregnancy portraits? I have already become That Woman, and I’m not even trying to get pregnant yet!
Bless Mr. M. for being so sweetly patient and supportive (he even researched FSH himself) and for rubbing my back while I was sobbing in the bathtub last night. Bless my amazing mother for being so supportive, for letting me cut short my visit to her house late Saturday night so I could drive an hour back through the country to my bed and my husband’s arms. Bless my wonderful sister for helping me find some humor in it even as she is going through some awful times of her own.
I haven’t really done any research about high FSH levels and their possible treatments and options. In fact, I’m kind of forbidding myself to do so. I feel like I need to get the second test done, and then if it’s still high I need to get my doctor visit over with (luckily I LOVE my OBGYN), and then I will allow myself to spend eight hours a day on Web sites and message boards and forums.
I did research it a bit after the phone call, just so I could learn what it was. In my browsing I even found a support group message board where women were posting their success stories of pregnancy with high FSH levels. I am so glad I found that page. It has now become kind of a beacon of hope in my tossed and shattered psyche that I turn to when the sadness threatens to overwhelm me.
Today, however, I did start researching natural and herbal fertility boosters, and found some really helpful articles. This one especially I love. It shows me there is plenty that I can do to help boost my own fertility, especially in the months before we start trying.
It gives me hope, and hope is pretty thin on the ground in the M household right now.
Stay with me…
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)