CD 15 - Yes, BUT

This waiting thing sucks big time, you know? Patience has never ever been my strong suit but this is testing every last ounce of it that I've got.

The thing about it, as I'm sure many of you know, is that it takes over your life almost completely. It's always hovering in the back of your head to be thought about whenever you have a spare moment. It creeps up on you unexpectedly. It weighs down your shoulders until your neck is stiff. You might find yourself watching a commercial for pregnancy tests, placing your hands over your uterus and whispering, "Please, please, please" to Whoever might be listening out (or up) there.

The first time we were TTC amid all the drama of the high FSH diagnosis, I had a full-time job that required an hour commute each way. It was an awesome, fun job full of amazing people and I loved it. The thing is, I was busy. Yes, I browsed blogs and researched every chance I got, but I had plenty of things to distract me.

Now, not so much. Oh sure, I'm busy in the stay-at-home mom kind of way: the never-ending cycle of making meals and doing dishes and washing clothes and reading books and playing ball and giving hugs and kisses and tickles. But all of those things leave my mind relatively unoccupied, and THAT is the hard part. I have some editing work right now since the magazine I work for is on deadline, so at least that can occupy me a bit.

I'm going to POAS tomorrow morning. I will be about 10 dpo and I can't stand it any longer. If I get a negative, I'm waiting until Saturday to try again.

Symptoms? Yes...BUT:

I'm cramping, BUT I've had cramping since I ovulated so it doesn't seem significant. Of course, today the cramps are gone so now I'm all worried about it in that crazy TTC logic way.

My boobs are tender, BUT I have a lot of scar tissue and some non-cancerous nodes that flare up and hurt sometimes so it could just be that.

Peeing a lot, BUT I am trying to drink a lot of water so I stay hydrated.

Really tired, BUT I've had a cold this week (and can't take any good medicine because I'm TTC) so that explains that.

I'm not, I don't think, overly optimistic about getting pregnant this cycle. If I get a BFN, I think I will be upset, eat carbs and drink wine for a couple of days, and then start all over again. I am honestly doing every single thing I can to give my body an edge right now (more on that later) so at least I'll know I did my best (you should have seen me at the store trying to pick out an herbal tea for my cold while the Interweb was screaming that EVERYTHING causes miscarriage [okay perhaps a bit of an exaggeration but you get what I mean]).

Still, and you know what I mean, there's still that tiny voice inside my head that whispers, It could happen.

I'm letting it whisper and trying to smile about it. Because hope, my friends, is never a bad thing.

Weigh In: Week Two

Weight in January 2011: 196
Weight in March 2011 after two weeks of SBD: 182
Weight before E's delivery in December 2011: 221

Weigh in on January 7, 2012: 184
Current weight: 175
Pounds lost so far: 9
Pounds lost since last weigh in: 4

Well, I survived my second week of no carbs! I actually found the second week to be a lot easier in terms of resisting temptation, but a lot harder in terms of boredom! I was SO tired of protein and veggies!

I have to say, though, the no carb thing did wonders for me. I lost nine pounds in two weeks! My skin cleared up, I had tons of energy and I, a chronic insomniac, slept like a baby. By energy, I mean I felt good and not tired throughout the day. However, exercise was NOT going to happen. We took E for a walk in the neighborhood and I was so out of breath it was ridiculous!

Yesterday I began slowly adding carbs back in. I was reeeeeediculously excited for my All Bran with fresh strawberries for breakfast and for my apple as an afternoon snack. I'm following one of Bob Harper's "Skinny Rules" and not eating any carbs (not including fruit) after lunchtime. This morning I had a piece of whole grain sugar free toast (check your bread, peeps - HFCS is one of the first few ingredients!) and it was yummy.

I also started exercising again yesterday. I went to Body Sculpt at the Y and made it through without a problem, although I am pretty sore today! Today I went to my other gym (closer to E's MDO and only $25 a month but much smaller) and hopped on a treadmill for an interval run/walk.

The treadmill had a TV screen, which I wasn't using, so it worked more as kind of a mirror. I caught a glance of my face occasionally and was impressed by how steady and determined I looked.

This is for keeps, ya'll. Anything I can do to help my chances of having another baby, I'm going to do. And I'm going to kick ass while doing it.

All right, off to clean my house while E is still at MDO! Have a great Tuesday!