Weigh In: Week Two

Weight in January 2011: 196
Weight in March 2011 after two weeks of SBD: 182
Weight before E's delivery in December 2011: 221

Weigh in on January 7, 2012: 184
Current weight: 175
Pounds lost so far: 9
Pounds lost since last weigh in: 4

Well, I survived my second week of no carbs! I actually found the second week to be a lot easier in terms of resisting temptation, but a lot harder in terms of boredom! I was SO tired of protein and veggies!

I have to say, though, the no carb thing did wonders for me. I lost nine pounds in two weeks! My skin cleared up, I had tons of energy and I, a chronic insomniac, slept like a baby. By energy, I mean I felt good and not tired throughout the day. However, exercise was NOT going to happen. We took E for a walk in the neighborhood and I was so out of breath it was ridiculous!

Yesterday I began slowly adding carbs back in. I was reeeeeediculously excited for my All Bran with fresh strawberries for breakfast and for my apple as an afternoon snack. I'm following one of Bob Harper's "Skinny Rules" and not eating any carbs (not including fruit) after lunchtime. This morning I had a piece of whole grain sugar free toast (check your bread, peeps - HFCS is one of the first few ingredients!) and it was yummy.

I also started exercising again yesterday. I went to Body Sculpt at the Y and made it through without a problem, although I am pretty sore today! Today I went to my other gym (closer to E's MDO and only $25 a month but much smaller) and hopped on a treadmill for an interval run/walk.

The treadmill had a TV screen, which I wasn't using, so it worked more as kind of a mirror. I caught a glance of my face occasionally and was impressed by how steady and determined I looked.

This is for keeps, ya'll. Anything I can do to help my chances of having another baby, I'm going to do. And I'm going to kick ass while doing it.

All right, off to clean my house while E is still at MDO! Have a great Tuesday!

South Beach Diet: Week One

Weight in January 2011: 196
Weight in March 2011 after two weeks of SBD: 182
Weight before E's delivery in December 2011: 221

Weigh in on January 7, 2012: 184
Current weight: 179
Pounds lost so far: 5

If you've read any of my tabs or archives or have been following for a while (bless you), you will know that I'm a big fan of the South Beach Diet. The reasons are very simple:

-When I had my awful appointment with my OB and she told me about my grim diagnosis for ever having kids naturally and sent me right to the RE, she told me that the South Beach Diet was the best diet for fertility.

-While I was trying the SBD for the first time and doing the strict no carb phase, I got pregnant.

-I have researched and agree with most (explained below) of the science behind the program.

I've never really done SBD for an extended period of time because as I said, I got pregnant and needed to have a more varied diet for my health and the baby's. It comes in three phases:

Phase One: This is kind of a "detox" phase to rid your body of any insulin resistance that might have built up due to over consumption of carbs and sugar. During this two week phase, you have essentially NO carb-y foods: no bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, sugar, grains of any kind, potatoes or even carrots, which have a high glycemic index. Also no fruit or alcohol.

Phase Two: This compromises the majority of the weight loss period. You are able to add back in fruit and good "slow" carbs made from whole grains, but in reduced quantities. You can also have wine,

Phase Three: Maintenance phase, which is fairly self-explanatory.

The science behind is fairly simple. When you eat something with carbs, your body processes the sugar or carbs into blood sugar. Your pancreas then secretes insulin to "unlock" your cells so they can absorb the sugar. When you eat something with a lot of sugar or carbs, your blood sugar spikes rapidly and your pancreas goes into overtime secreting a bunch of insulin. This causes your blood sugar to drop rapidly, which alarms the body into sending out hunger signals and causing you to crave more high carb food. The SBD foods are more about creating a gentle rise and fall of blood sugar instead of sudden spikes and drops.

(Another book I'm reading, The Fertility Diet, also talks about healthy carbs and blood sugar in relation to fertility, but more on that later).

I know that the less I weigh, the better chance I have of getting pregnant, so I've decided to really try to lose some more weight before I meet with my OB on March 7, so a friend and I jumped back on the SBD program. It's really cheap - just buy the paperback at a book store and you're set!

Phase One, to be honest, totally sucks balls. The first day you feel kind of off and funny, and hungry. Meals are all about protein, vegetables and low fat dairy. You have to stop yourself a million times from just reaching for whatever is handy to snack on and make yourself grab a string cheese or some almonds or something.

Day two you feel like absolute CRAP. Not only are you starving and grumpy, but you might wind up with a bad headache or a kind of fuzzy, floaty feeling.

Day three you almost decide to say screw it and quit. You're watching your husband scarf down a piece of beautiful French bread and you seriously consider ripping it from his unsuspecting hands and scarfing it down. The headache is still there and though the floaty feeling is somewhat diminished, you are just plain sick and tired. You drink a glass of one percent milk before bed and wonder how you will make it through the next 11 days.

Day four...oh. You wake up feeling...hungry? You eat your turkey bacon and eggs and are halfway through the morning before you realize you don't feel like crap anymore! In fact, you feel clear-headed and kind of energized.

So, in summary, if you can make it through the first four days, you will feel a lot better! I'm on day seven, and I haven't had a headache or any kind of tummy upset (when I eat junk those are fairly common). I have lots of energy.

And yes, it is hard to go no carb in a world full of carbivores (made that one up). Tonight said husband was eating said bread with the delicious soup I made while I had a spinach salad. Yesterday we helped a friend move and they brought in McD's for breakfast (I had turkey bacon and eggs at home before), pizza for lunch (I had a salad) and a big container of homemade chocolate chip cookies sitting out all day.

But you know what? It's not that hard to resist. I am doing what I'm doing for a reason, and that reason is very important to me.

What have you done to improve your chances of conceiving? Have you doctors recommended anything for you to do or not do? I'm curious.

Thanks for stopping by today!

Resolution 1: Get Pregnant

Last week I wrote out a list of goals and resolutions for 2013 - 13 of them, in fact. Many were your standardized New Year goals: get fit, eat healthy, be a good person, etc. Because I'm a nerd and love lists, I numbered them according to their importance.

Number one was to try to get pregnant again.

After some discussion with Mr. M, we decided that if we start trying after March and somehow miraculously get pregnant immediately (again), then E will be at least two by the time the next baby is born. We both agree that if the choice is "have another kid now or possibly never," now is worth a shot.

Now I as well as anyone else know that it is RARELY as simple as just "get pregnant." The truth is that with my high FSH we really have no idea what's going to happen. So all of my health goals are tied into doing what I can to maximize my chances - losing weight, following a super healthy diet, exercising and taking supplements. I'm
also going to really try to get my house organized by March because it is in total shambles (behind closet and garage doors, at least) and it really stresses me out.

My yearly check up with my OB, Dr. A, is scheduled for March 7 and I plan on discussing our plans with her then. I don't know if she'll want to check my FSH again, but I would almost rather not know, if that makes sense. She may tell us to go straight to an RE again (we got pregnant while waiting for our appointment two years ago). She may encourage us to try naturally. I have no idea what's ahead of us, but I trust her and her staff implicitly and following her directions has only ever brought good things our way.

I know I've been a terrible excuse for a blogger lately, and to those of you who still stop by to check me out occasionally - thanks you. I will be back in a big way, starting now.

One

My dear, sweet, beautiful E,

Today you turn one year old, and your Mama is having a hard time with it. Maybe you'll understand when you have kids - this odd mixture of elation, excitement and incredible sadness. Everything we did today was in the back of my mind the "last" of your babyhood, because tomorrow you are, unbelievably, a toddler.

You have been, from the moment you were conceived, our little miracle. A miracle the doctors told me probably would never happen for us naturally. A miracle that happened on the very first try, for which I thank God every day. A miracle that we almost lost a couple of times in the early days but we kept fighting for with every ounce of ourselves. A miracle we cherished, and dreamed about, and loved.

At this exact moment one year ago I was halfway through my two hours of pushing and so excited to meet you. Everyone was at the hospital waiting to see you and admire you. When you were born, they laid you on me for the briefest of seconds so I could see you, and then they whisked you away. First to the table in the room, and then to the nursery, and then to the NICU. I didn't even get to hold you until three or so hours after you were born. It was the strangest feeling having had a baby but not actually having a baby there with me - very scary, and sad.

The first time I held you I was overcome with wonder. You were so small, and beautiful, with your fuzzy little head of brown hair and your tiny creaking noises that you made. You were a little fussy when I got there but as soon as you were in my arms and heard my voice, you quieted. That moment was when I truly became a mother.

I won't dwell on those two endless weeks you spent in the hospital, except to say that they were the hardest two weeks of my entire life. Leaving you and coming home to our empty, baby-ready house left us both feeling hollow and lonely. The frustrations of your health challenges meant we were optimistic about going home soon one day and upset about delays the next.

What better gift could we have been given than to take you home on Christmas Day? That Christmas Eve will always be my favorite, even though we spent it in a hospital - just me, your dad, and you, finally alone together as a family. Knowing that we would be home soon.

Our first year together was a wonderful adventure, and I wouldn't trade a single moment of it. We have met many wonderful people who already loved you before you were born. We've put miles on the stroller on walks in the neighborhood and trips to the Zoo. We have made "art" projects, and photo cards, and lots of wonderful memories. We have played, and explored, and grown together.

I see so much of your dad in you - the inquisitive way you look at things, your serious and thoughtful nature, your determination to take things apart, your stubbornness and, of course, your very expressive eyebrows. From me I see the way you love to be the center of attention, your friendly smiles at anyone who looks your way, your brief flares of temper that soon fizzle out, your love of baths and the water in general, and your big blue Crowson eyes. My Daddy's eyes - the eyes of the Grandpa you and I will never know but I know is watching over us every day.

I hope you always know how loved you are, my beautiful boy. Being your mother has been the greatest gift of my entire life and I feel so lucky to get to be the one who has you.

I want all the best things in the world for you, my little love. So sleep tight, and let's jump into toddler-hood and see what new adventures await us.

He Died Before I Could Say His Name

He died before I could say his name.

On January 11, 1985, exactly five days before I turned six months old, my father died. He and my mother were on the road after a day of skiing and had a terrible accident. He died at the scene. My mother spent the next six months, yes you read that correctly, in a coma. She awoke mentally and physically disabled and has remained that way ever since.

Today is exactly five days before E turns six months old, and I cannot stop thinking about what it must have been like for them.

Did it happen very quickly? Was there just a brief moment of terror before it all went dark? Could they see it coming? Did they have time to reach out to one another and hold on for one last time? What were their last thoughts? Was is pure panic, or did they have time to feel the bone-chilling fear of oncoming disaster? Did they have time to think of me, safe and snuggled up at home, awaiting a father who would never return? Was there regret? Was there determination? Was there gratitude for leaving a life that had been good?

I look at my sweet, beautiful son and I literally cannot imagine it. I look at all of the things he is doing now - waking me up in the morning by talking to himself in his crib, jumping and giggling like a madman in his bouncer, rolling over and over until he runs into an obstacle, greeting me with a blinding smile when I scoop him up from his crib, gulping bananas like candy and pushing sweet potatoes back out of his mouth with his tongue - and I cannot imagine not being there.

I cannot imagine being my mother - living through the hell of the accident and then waking up six months later. All of a sudden her baby, her precious girl, was one year old. Where there used to be an infant there was now the beginnings of a toddler. And worst, most heartbreakingly of all, she couldn’t even pick me up. Never again could she scoop me up and carry me, or swing me over her head in an arc, or lay me gently down in my bed. Never again could she take care of me, be by herself with me or even cook for me. And the agonizing part is that she was still mentally present - she knew what was going on and it broke her already fragile heart.

I can’t stop reaching out to my husband and my son today - just touching them and watching them smile. I keep sneaking a peek into E’s room where he is sleeping peacefully, rosy cheeks and puckered mouth all unaware he is being watched. I want to wrap myself up so tight in my little family that this terrible sadness gets compressed.

I never had a chance to know my father. His family abandoned me as soon as my maternal grandparents were awarded custody of me. I have aunts, uncles and cousins who have never once cared enough to reach out to me. I don’t even know their names or where they live. I have no one to tell me stories of when he was a little boy, or a mischievous high-schooler, or a young college boy who won the heart of a theatre major from Oklahoma. All I have are the memories my family has of him, a few letters he wrote to my mother in college, and photos of us during the brief, perfect time that the three of us were a family.

I have one other thing. When I look into the mirror, my father’s bright, guileless blue eyes look back at me. The same eyes that I see when I look down into my son’s beautiful face. And sometimes, knowing that my son bears not only my father’s name but also his eyes, almost softens the ache of that empty space in my heart where my father should be.

"Mommy Brain"

I've had several instances of "mommy brain" since becoming a mother, like Monday when I was checking the expiration date on something and had to get out my phone because I had absolutely no idea what the date was.

Yesterday, however, takes the cake. It was about 4:30 and E and I were chilling on the floor (he was on his playmat) when I heard my phone make its "email received" noise. I don't always check it right away, but for some reason I did. It was regarding a banquet. That night.At 6:30. That I was supposed to go to and had completely forgotten about. Where I was supposed to give some sort of presentation or skit. That I hadn't even started on.

E went right into his crib where he reluctantly settled down for a nap, while I called the office and bought a last-minute ticket. I called Mr. M. to make sure he left work on time. The banquet was for my local Junior League, and I was a committee chair this past year. I was supposed to give a speech, skit or some other representation of my committee. I plunked down at the computer and dashed out a long lyrical poem (pretty darn good for a piece that took 20 minutes). Luckily I had actually showered and put on makeup already, so I just had to throw on a dress and dash out the door. The banquet was fun and my poem well-received, but SHEESH! What a night!

Today E and I ventured to our local YMCA for the first time since he was born. I left him in the nursery, which is FREE with a family membership, and went to do cardio. I love our Y. It is a huge, new-ish complex with an Olympic-sized swimming pool and lots of equipment and classes. My elliptical had a TV screen, and one of the channels was a live look into the nursery so I could watch E while I worked out. It was great! I then took a long hot shower and got ready in a leisurely fashion with no crying baby! I picked him up and we headed to the mall for some Mother's Day shopping. He behaved pretty darn well I thought. I had to sit on a bench in the middle of the mall to feed him since this mall doesn't have a mother's lounge, but since he is formula-fed it wasn't a big deal. Now we're home and he is passed out in his carseat so I am just letting him stay there for awhile.

E has had a cold for a while now, so yesterday I took him to the doctor (they said to bring him in if it persisted for more than two weeks and it has) and they are treating him for a sinus infection. Poor guy. At least he LOVES how his medicine tastes - it's really cute. Between a trip to the gym for a training session (where my trainer carried E around {this was not at the Y - yes I have two gym memberships but it's complicated}), the doctor, a quick stop at the craft store and a long wait at the pharmacy for E's medicine, I think I wore the little guy out! He goes to bed at eight and usually wakes up to be fed by 5 or 6, then goes back down until eight or so, but this morning he slept straight through until 8:30! Poor kid must have been pretty tired. One of his little nostrils was literally crusted OVER with snot, which I had the delightful task of fishing out with my fingernail (there really isn't any other way to do it, folks).

I've had a miserable sinus headache all day along with a really sore back, so I am enjoying the momentary peace and quiet of this house. Think I might try to close my eyes for a bit...