BFN/CD2

This was meant to be a longer post, but I'm running out the door for a weekend trip so don't have a ton of time.

AF arrived yesterday on what would have been CD 24, and to be honest I was very relieved. Not relieved to be not pregnant, because of course that made me sad, but relieved that at least something happened. That almost three-week wait was kind of torturous. Since I ovulated early, I expected AF to be early and she was, by a few days.

Also, I was relieved she showed up at all. Having the high FSH makes me nervous for DOR/POF. I am also glad to report she came in guns blazing with cramps and a normal-ish flow. Happy, you say? Since I went on a new BC pill about a year ago, my periods have been super light, erratic and off-color, so I am glad to be just normally miserable! Weird, but true.

I "celebrated" her arrival with wine, pizza and a (still not as hot as I would like it to be) bath. The funny thing about eating so healthy for so long is that all the stuff I craved when I first started out doesn't even sound that good anymore. Funny, and kind of awesome.

I'm doing a few things differently this cycle:

I'm taking wheat grass pills (can't stomach the liquid or the powder) because one of my books said some women have reported a decrease in FSH when taking it. It's super good for you and is supposed to help energy levels, so why the heck not?

I bought some Pre-Seed (ahh, the romance of it all).

I also bought the 'Restoring Fertility' yoga series, which has a different yoga routine for each of the four phases of your cycle. I've only tried the luteal phase one, but it was nice and relaxing. I won't be able to do any while I'm away but will start with the menstrual phase on Sunday when I get home.

AF kind of arrived at the perfect time, since I will be away on a mini vacation with my mom this weekend. I can drink some wine and coffee and not have to abstain and arouse suspicions (no one outside of a few very close friends even knows we're trying again).

Also, E learned how to climb out of his crib yesterday, so we switched to toddler bed last night and I spent an HOUR in there getting him to sleep. He slept through until 7:30 a.m., but I do NOT begrudge my sweet Mr. M. for the weekend he has ahead of him! Naptime should be especially interesting.

Well, I'm off to pack. Sending you all love and hope for wherever you are in your journey right now. Thanks for stopping by.

CD 15 - Yes, BUT

This waiting thing sucks big time, you know? Patience has never ever been my strong suit but this is testing every last ounce of it that I've got.

The thing about it, as I'm sure many of you know, is that it takes over your life almost completely. It's always hovering in the back of your head to be thought about whenever you have a spare moment. It creeps up on you unexpectedly. It weighs down your shoulders until your neck is stiff. You might find yourself watching a commercial for pregnancy tests, placing your hands over your uterus and whispering, "Please, please, please" to Whoever might be listening out (or up) there.

The first time we were TTC amid all the drama of the high FSH diagnosis, I had a full-time job that required an hour commute each way. It was an awesome, fun job full of amazing people and I loved it. The thing is, I was busy. Yes, I browsed blogs and researched every chance I got, but I had plenty of things to distract me.

Now, not so much. Oh sure, I'm busy in the stay-at-home mom kind of way: the never-ending cycle of making meals and doing dishes and washing clothes and reading books and playing ball and giving hugs and kisses and tickles. But all of those things leave my mind relatively unoccupied, and THAT is the hard part. I have some editing work right now since the magazine I work for is on deadline, so at least that can occupy me a bit.

I'm going to POAS tomorrow morning. I will be about 10 dpo and I can't stand it any longer. If I get a negative, I'm waiting until Saturday to try again.

Symptoms? Yes...BUT:

I'm cramping, BUT I've had cramping since I ovulated so it doesn't seem significant. Of course, today the cramps are gone so now I'm all worried about it in that crazy TTC logic way.

My boobs are tender, BUT I have a lot of scar tissue and some non-cancerous nodes that flare up and hurt sometimes so it could just be that.

Peeing a lot, BUT I am trying to drink a lot of water so I stay hydrated.

Really tired, BUT I've had a cold this week (and can't take any good medicine because I'm TTC) so that explains that.

I'm not, I don't think, overly optimistic about getting pregnant this cycle. If I get a BFN, I think I will be upset, eat carbs and drink wine for a couple of days, and then start all over again. I am honestly doing every single thing I can to give my body an edge right now (more on that later) so at least I'll know I did my best (you should have seen me at the store trying to pick out an herbal tea for my cold while the Interweb was screaming that EVERYTHING causes miscarriage [okay perhaps a bit of an exaggeration but you get what I mean]).

Still, and you know what I mean, there's still that tiny voice inside my head that whispers, It could happen.

I'm letting it whisper and trying to smile about it. Because hope, my friends, is never a bad thing.

CD 10 - Welcome to crampytown.

Ugh. Cramps.

I guess they are a good symptom where the whole ovulation thing is concerned, and they are by far not debilitating...just annoying. They feel kind of like pre-period cramps.

The good news is that this whole TTC #2 thing has done wonders for my healthy eating! Since I am in the two week wait I am determined to keep my rises and falls in my blood sugar nice and regular with no big spikes and crashes. So I am avoiding potatoes, sugar, processed carbs, etc. I've passed up cookies, fries, apple cobbler and lots of other things that I usually love. And honestly? It hasn't been hard at ALL. Every time I go to eat I just think about what I want to put in my body to keep it nourished and healthy and full on energy.

Side effect? I feel AWESOME. I'm full of energy and good vibes, which can't hurt, right?

Happy hump day to ya'll. Thanks for reading.

CD 6 - A Smiley Face!

I was very happy to get a smiley face on my ovulation predictor kit tonight (just a few minutes ago in fact). I had done one this morning but since AF started a bit earlier than usual this cycle, and since my boobs were a bit tender, I tested again.

I feel ready. Yesterday was a friend's 30th birthday and I drank wine and had tons of amazing food and beer, knowing that it would kind of be my last hurrah, especially for drinking. Today I've been eating really well and I've been taking my prenatal vitamins regularly for a few weeks, so hopefully I have given myself as much as an edge as possible.

Honestly, I am just happy that I ovulated at all. With my high FSH I worry about things like that, so it's reassuring to see the smiley face.

Side note: My doctor offered to test my FSH again when I mentioned trying again, but I declined. I know that if the number has gotten higher, it will just add to my stress and that certainly won't help with TTC. If we try for a few months without success, I will have her check it again before we see the RE.

CD2

Well, AF arrived yesterday, a bit early but not too bad. It caught me a bit by surprise and I was a bit unnerved by how nervous it made me feel. I was also out of the healthy, no-carb groceries I will need so that meant a morning running errands with a fractious E, who is now 20 months old and NOT a very patient toddler.

Picked up a trusty Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK) which I will start at about day 5 of my cycle just to be safe. I'm excited for this new adventure.

Working on a couple of posts about my life as a stay-at-home mom, what I've learned and how I've adjusted. Hopefully will post those later this week.

Riveting post, I know. Thanks for reading anyway. Smiles your way.

Last time I was here...

The last time I was here, I was all like, "Okay, time to try for another baby!" And I was all, "Time to lose some weight!" And then, "Yay, I'm losing weight!"

I was ready. I had a plan. I had a SCHEDULE.

And then, you guessed it, life got in the way.

It started with a vacation, and not a relaxing, beach-y, pina-colada-y type vacation. Oh, no. My HUSBAND planned this one, which meant it was more of a cross country drive-y, sleeping in a tent-y, cooking on a campstove-y and hiking 10 miles a day-y type trip. It was...fun. Ish. I enjoy scenery, and rock climbing, and hiking, and stuff. But when after five hours of hiking on slick rock I find myself baking in a breezeless valley with the sun beating down on me as I trudge through ankle-deep sand...I start composing very, very profane songs in my head about my husband and the fact that we aren't on the beach instead.

But I digress.

AF arrived at just the wrong time - right before our trip. And I didn't really feel like trying to pee on an OPK out in the middle of the Utah desert. So we delayed a month.

Then a birthday trip for a friend came up, and we have a very drink-y group, and I wanted to imbibe, so...another delay.

Then ANOTHER birthday trip for ANOTHER friend...same story.

Then it was almost my birthday, and I wanted to be able to celebrate (I swear I don't ACTUALLY drink that much)...so what's one more month?

After that, I put my foot down. No more delays, or excuses. There was always going to be one more fun event that I wanted to delay for. 

And then I got mono. 

Which turned out, weeks later, to not be mono?

It is a looong story and even I am still super confused.

Anyway. I am finally feeling better. Mr. M. and I are on the same page about trying again, the page that reads, "Well, it will not be super fun to have a newborn and a 2-year-old but we know we need to try early if we want another kid so HERE WE GO."

In summary: last "active" BCP will be taken tonight. (Remember this post from the last go-round?) Once I hit CD1, I will switch to no carbs again for two weeks, and then healthy carbs during the TWW. I am taking my raw prenatal vitamins again, three times a day - I read that doing that helps keep a more steady level of nutrients in your system, which makes sense to me.

I have re-visited many of my friendly neighborhood infertility books to remind me of the whys and hows of my high FSH.

I consulted with Dr. A., my awesome OBGYN, and she told me to "try away," since I had already proven her wrong once. She was very supportive of trying again ASAP.

She also advised me to call her if I am not pregnant after three months or at the very most six months, so she can get me over to the RE. 

I'm not sure what I am feeling right now, except excited and hopeful. The last time we started this journey, I was sure I was looking at months of fertility treatments and disappointment, so to get pregnant naturally was a big surprise. This time around I know that I can get pregnant naturally (or at least, could), so I find myself a bit more hopeful. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. I have never had to deal with a negative cycle before so I am unsure about how I will deal with it. 

But I'm back. I'll be blogging about trying again. I hope to re-establish some of the connections that were so meaningful to me for such a very long time. 

Here goes nothin'...