Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Last Blue Pill

Well, here it is, folks. The last birth control pill I will take in a very, very long time. Maybe ever.

Looks pretty innocent, doesn't it? One little tiny pill that has been (theoretically) preventing me from getting pregnant for years and years. Last Sunday was the first night in almost eight years that I didn't take a pill.

I'll admit a significant amount of bitterness about the whole thing. In college, Mr. M. and I practiced doubly safe sex - I was on the pill and we used condoms every time. I used to tremble a bit every time my period was due and think about how horrifying it would be to accidentally get pregnant while we were still young and in college.

After we were married, we quit the condoms but I kept taking my pills faithfully, determined not to get pregnant until we were "ready." After all, we were young and had all the timw in the world, right?

Only now here I am, in my late 20s and about to start trying to get pregnant. And before we have even done an birth control-free baby dance once, I am completely terrified about not being able to get pregnant. Was me early testing and diagnosis of high FSH a good thing? Will it help me to understand and make sense of any future problems? Or is it a curse on my mentality, adding to my stress and lessening the chances of getting pregnant naturally? If I hadn't known about it when we started trying, hadn't had the stress and sadness weighing on me heavily, would it have happened naturally?

I know many of you out there might be rolling your eyes at me, and I understand. I can in no way relate to those who have been trying to conceive for years; who are competent experts at giving themselves shots; who have suffered through tests and procedures that I can't bear to think of; who have cried buckets of tears and spent sleepless nights mourning the babies who didn't make it. I'm just a newby - an infertility virgin, if you will.

But I'm here, and I'm terrified.

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