Stasis...

Stasis, n:a state or condition in which there is no action or progress; static situation: dramatic stasis .

That's where we are right now.

As of today, I am 5 weeks, 7 days pregnant. So far, it has been an incredible journey.

I am 7 sleeps away from our first ultrasound to check for a heartbeat and/or a fetal pole. I will be right on the edge of being able to hear a heartbeat but they're not sure. The nurse told me that once they hear a heartbeat, the risk of something going wrong (I cannot bring myself to even type the dreaded "m" word) decreases by 80 percent.

So now, I wait. And wait. Each day drags by with aching slowness and I wonder how I can possibly survive 239 more days of this without losing what's left of my sanity.

I'm trying to stay calm. I'm trying, as Mr. M. and my grandma keep advising me, to find the joy in this experience and to not let fear rule my life. It is MUCH easier said that done.

I am still cramping, which they say is nothing to worry about. It's like menstrual cramps in a way - they come and go and I just feel very swollen and tender in my lower abdomen. I appreciate the cramps because they mean that my uterus is growing, but they are also a constant reminder of my condition and all the things that could go wrong. Between the cramps and the (sorry TMI) increased discharge, I feel like I am bleeding all. The time.

As for other symptoms - my boobs are a teeny bit tender but not too bad. I am having more and more bouts of nausea that just kind of settles in the back of my throat and sits there. I haven't reached the "totally exhausted" part yet but I am sleeping better than usual.

I'm peeing more too. Every time I go, there's a moment of breathless terror when I pull down my underwear. Sometimes I even do it with my eyes closed and then have to brace myself to open them. It it's clear of blood or spotting, I relax a little bit, but only until I wipe. Then the whole process starts all over again. Sorry if that's TMI, but this is honesty, folks. And honestly, this is quite a scary experience.

I took some days off of work (the ones that were supposed to be my New Orleans trip) and today is the first day back. It's good because it provides a distraction, but not so good because MAN is today going slowly. I can't seem to make myself concentrate or focus.

It feels like the rest of the world should be held in suspension while we wait. It feels like everything should change, adjust, make way for me and my new worries. It is amazing to me how SO much has changed in a week, yet life is going on just the same way it has every day.

I thank God every morning that we have made it to another day. I plead with Him every night to make this right; make this stick; help this to be healthy and successful through and through.

If you're a religious person, please pray for me. If not, please send me some love and light, or good vibes, or whatever you feel like. I'm sending the same to all of those bloggers who are struggling right now with their BFNs, or about to trigger for their next IUI, or beginning the steps to another IVF. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.