CD 15 - Yes, BUT

This waiting thing sucks big time, you know? Patience has never ever been my strong suit but this is testing every last ounce of it that I've got.

The thing about it, as I'm sure many of you know, is that it takes over your life almost completely. It's always hovering in the back of your head to be thought about whenever you have a spare moment. It creeps up on you unexpectedly. It weighs down your shoulders until your neck is stiff. You might find yourself watching a commercial for pregnancy tests, placing your hands over your uterus and whispering, "Please, please, please" to Whoever might be listening out (or up) there.

The first time we were TTC amid all the drama of the high FSH diagnosis, I had a full-time job that required an hour commute each way. It was an awesome, fun job full of amazing people and I loved it. The thing is, I was busy. Yes, I browsed blogs and researched every chance I got, but I had plenty of things to distract me.

Now, not so much. Oh sure, I'm busy in the stay-at-home mom kind of way: the never-ending cycle of making meals and doing dishes and washing clothes and reading books and playing ball and giving hugs and kisses and tickles. But all of those things leave my mind relatively unoccupied, and THAT is the hard part. I have some editing work right now since the magazine I work for is on deadline, so at least that can occupy me a bit.

I'm going to POAS tomorrow morning. I will be about 10 dpo and I can't stand it any longer. If I get a negative, I'm waiting until Saturday to try again.

Symptoms? Yes...BUT:

I'm cramping, BUT I've had cramping since I ovulated so it doesn't seem significant. Of course, today the cramps are gone so now I'm all worried about it in that crazy TTC logic way.

My boobs are tender, BUT I have a lot of scar tissue and some non-cancerous nodes that flare up and hurt sometimes so it could just be that.

Peeing a lot, BUT I am trying to drink a lot of water so I stay hydrated.

Really tired, BUT I've had a cold this week (and can't take any good medicine because I'm TTC) so that explains that.

I'm not, I don't think, overly optimistic about getting pregnant this cycle. If I get a BFN, I think I will be upset, eat carbs and drink wine for a couple of days, and then start all over again. I am honestly doing every single thing I can to give my body an edge right now (more on that later) so at least I'll know I did my best (you should have seen me at the store trying to pick out an herbal tea for my cold while the Interweb was screaming that EVERYTHING causes miscarriage [okay perhaps a bit of an exaggeration but you get what I mean]).

Still, and you know what I mean, there's still that tiny voice inside my head that whispers, It could happen.

I'm letting it whisper and trying to smile about it. Because hope, my friends, is never a bad thing.

Maybe It's Make Believe

Hello all. Still here. Still (I think) pregnant. Slowly losing my mind from waiting.

I find myself at an odd time in the pregnancy. For so long it was just striving and pushing and praying to make it to the second trimester. Then I got here and...nothing happened. No bells sounded, no celebration ensued, no magical sense of "Well, NOW everything will be JUST fine" arrived. My cramping, while still present, has finally started to ease off. My terrible fatigue has faded, except for days when I am running around a lot at work.

So the thing is...I don't really feel pregnant. I don't really feel different, to tell you the truth. I just feel like me, the same old me, with a slightly larger belly. While it is larger, it hasn't really "popped" in that oh-so-recognizable way. It's just...bigger. The pregnancy doesn't really feel REAL to me at all right now. It's a very surreal place to be, and a very scary one as the wait time between ultrasounds and appointments stretches on.

I have had some little thumps and flutters that I think might be movement, but it's hard to tell. I think that when I can feel the baby move regularly I will be reassured, but then I will just have something ELSE to freak out about if he/she moves more or less often than previously. Geez!

The BIG NEWS is that the BIG ONE is coming up this Wednesday. By that I mean the anatomy scan. In the past when I've heard people ask expectant moms, "Do you want a boy or a girl?" and they have replied, "It doesn't matter as long as it's healthy," I've allowed myself a snigger and a "yeah, right." But OMIGOD it's SO true! Finding out the sex is SO much less important than showing me that the baby is healthy; all limbs and organs accounted for and functioning. THEN tell us boy or girl and we will celebrate either way! I'll confide that I have had a "feeling" all along that it's going to be a boy, and many of my friends/relatives have agreed. If it's a girl I will be SO surprised and VERY excited to go clothes shopping! :)

Today at work I have done nothing but browse thebump.com, Babies R Us and infertility/pregnancy blogs. I cannot concentrate on a single thing other than willing the minutes to go by faster. It has been seven weeks since our last ultrasound and while we have heard the heartbeat since then, we haven't seen the baby. I am distracting myself tonight with a pedicure and eyebrow wax (MUCH-needed as they are taking over my face). Tomorrow night, when I will be going REALLY nuts, my friend L is taking me to a movie. The scan is at 8:40 a.m. on Wednesday mornings. Mr. M. is going with me, of course. We are both very excited and very nervous!

Sorry for such a long time between posts. Once we get Wednesday out of the way I will hopefully feel a little better and more inspired to write.

And now back to watching the damn clock...

It isn't getting any easier.

More bleeding over the weekend. I woke up on Saturday in a good mood, ready to enjoy the day with Mr. M. I put in my morning progesterone suppository and lay in bed for a while. I noticed that I was feeling extra crampy but tried to ignore it. Then, right before we were ready to leave, I went to the bathroom and had dark pink on the TP. It hasn't ever been that color before.

Maybe the suppository somehow irritated my vagina or cervix or something. The spotting stopped pretty much as soon as it started. But it scared me. And it made me feel once again completely and totally helpless. There's nothing more I can do. Hell, there's nothing even the doctors can do at this point.

Then last night our pug jumped onto me from the back of the couch and I screamed in fear. He landed towards the outside of my stomach, closer to my hipbone, but that didn't stop me from smacking the sh*t out of him and screaming hysterically at him.

Crazy high-rick pregnancy woman much?

I tried to explain it to Mr. M. last night. How it feels to live in this constant terror. Every trip to the bathroom, every cramp, every moment of NOT feeling pregnant...how they weigh on you, build up on your shoulders and press on your heart and on your sanity. Am I going to bleed today? Is this going to be the day it is over? Is it already over and I just don't know it? Can I afford to hope and be joyful? Is the sac growing like it's supposed to? It's almost more than I can bear.

But I can bear it. And I WILL bear it, if that's what it takes.

We told Mr. M's family this weekend, finally. Every time we wanted to tell them we would have another bleeding scare and put it off. We finally just bit the bullet. They are all excited. I was upset because he told him dad via phone and I wasn't even in the room to share in the moment. In fact, am still upset about it. Oh, well. They are all so excited about this baby - I just hope we don't have to break their hearts.

I need a fucking vacation.

Another Scare

Enter sigh of relief here [WHEW].

After some spotting on Tuesday and waking up to some bits of "stuff" yesterday and today, I've been pretty nervous.

I had my appointment with the perinatal doctor today. I was going to leave work at 10:30. Imagine my horror at 10:15 when I went to the bathroom and saw a big brownish splotch on my liner. And then when I wiped...reddish brown all over the TP.

I didn't call Mr. M. to tell him - he was meeting me at the doctor's office. We arrived within 10 minutes of each other and I told him what was going on. He looked understandably worried.

We waited in that tiny waiting room full of HUGELY pregnant, smug-looking women for an hour and 20 minutes while I felt myself bleeding and rapidly losing my grip on sanity. Finally we were called back and a super nice ultrasound tech brought out good ol' wandy.

There was a huge TV screen on the wall for me to look at and as soon as the baby was on the screen I started looking for that telltale flicker. And I saw it!!!!!!!

We still have a baby!

Baby was measuring 8w5d (I am 9w1d) which she said is in the normal range. Heartbeat was 179 which was also normal.

Dr. M., the perinatologist, came in a talked over some things with us. We didn't really learn anything new. He showed me a spot that could be gathered blood right outside the sac, that could be causing the bleeding. He also said that my retroverted uterus also causes my cervix to tilt the other way, which can make cramping worse.

The only slightly worrisome part was when he said that the little sac around the baby looks a little small. He said it might not be anything to worry about but that he needs to monitor me a little more closely to make sure it grows correctly. Thanks for yet another thing to worry about, doc!

I am to continue with the beloved progesterone suppositories. Joy of joys.

I am back at work now and feel like a gigantic weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I'm sure the stress will return eventually, but for now I am super relieved.

Now I have to wait TWO WHOLE WEEKS for my next ultrasound. On the same day I'll have one at the OB at 9 a.m. and one with Dr. M. at 11 a.m. And yes, apparently I do need to go to both.

Two weeks is a long damn time, but I will try to make it!

Clinging to that hope, bloggy friends...

Threatened miscarriage.

I should have written this post several days ago, but I just couldn't bring myself to put it down in writing. Even now I am forcing myself because it needs to be said.

Last Wednesday I added two more words to my "least favorite words in the world" list:
Threatened Miscarriage.

Wednesday I was feeling good. I even blogged that day about some tough stuff and managed to keep a good attitude for the day. I was breezing along, doing my work, picking out new Scentsy from a co-worker's catalog and chatting with my co-workers.

At about 3 p.m., I went to the bathroom. And saw blood. Quite a bit. It had soaked through the thin pad I was wearing. It was dark red/brownish.

I raced from the bathroom to my office and called the doctor. She advised me to go to the ER. Unfortunately, I work 25 miles away from that specific ER so I had a bit of a drive. On the way, I called Mr. M., who also works 25 miles away, and my dear friend L, who lives right by the ER so could meet me there.

This is a new hospital, so everything was shiny and clean. The ER was practically deserted. I stood at the reception desk, shivering and filling out paperwork, for about 10 minutes before they took me back to do blood pressure and such. L showed up at about that time, astonished that I had beat her there (I may have been speeding). She stayed with me while they took me back to a room and had me change.

The ER Dr, Dr B, was kind of insane. He was young and intense and talked really fast and was very blunt. He tried an abdominal ultrasound and got nothing, so he did a trans vaginal (oh yes, a date with wandy). In order to do it he had me prop my bum up on a sheet-covered bedpan, which was definitely interesting.

I couldn't breathe as I waited for him to say something. And then...

"Well, here's the baby, and here's the heartbeat."

I couldn't believe it and just kept saying, "Really? Really?"

The heartbeat was at 143 and the baby was measuring 7 weeks 6 days, which was right on track (and actually more on track than the previous measurement).

I called Mr. M., who still hadn't made it to the hospital, right away and he couldn't believe it either. We both were expecting everything to be over.

Mr. M. showed up soon after that. Luckily, Dr. A. was on call at the hospital that day so they were able to call and speak to her. I had to wait around for a urine test to make sure I didn't have a bladder infection, then wait for my blood to be typed (they simply refused to believe that I already knew I was O negative) and another Rogam shot (which it turns out I didn't need, but oh well).

Dr. B. could give us no cause of the bleeding. He said my cervix was still closed. He simply called it a threatened miscarriage and told me to take it easy, and that there was nothing they could do.

So that's what I've been dealing with lately. I met with Dr. A. the next day and she said she was very relieved at the heartbeat and had been REALLY worried about our first heartbeat of 112. I am to continue to take it easy with no exercise, heavy lifting, strenuous chores, sex, etc.

To make matters worse, my sweet girl (of the canine variety) is having bladder surgery this morning to remove bladder stones and I am so worried about her. I couldn't even pick her up and cuddle her this morning because I can't lift her. When the vet tech came to take her from me, she tried to hide behind me and my heart just broke.

And, of course, I am gaining weight, too much weight. Not a ridiculous amount but enough to make my pants tighter than I want them. I usually maintain my weight with exercise but that is completely verboten at this time.

Sigh. I am still struggling to hold onto my hope. Each day I wake up still pregnant is another small victory. Any day that passes quickly, yes even a weekend day, is a blessing.

As Dr. A. said to me on Thursday, "Someone wants this baby to be born."

I'm hoping that Someone will continue to bless and watch over our little family each and every day.

Iffy.

Iffy. My new least favorite word.

On Friday as Mr. M. and I were sitting around, getting ready to leave for the funeral, my phone rang. It was Dr. A's office. I assumed it was a nurse calling to give me the results of my progesterone blood test from Thursday.

Imagine my shock when it was Dr. A. herself.

My progesterone was low - 13. Now I know nothing about progesterone except that it is an important pregnancy hormone, so I don't know if 13 is gasp-worthy or not. I have purposefully avoided running to Dr. Google because at this point I don't want to scare myself.

Anyway. Dr. A. told me she was switching me to progesterone suppositories (which are GROSS but at least they're not shots).

Then she straight up told me that this is a very "iffy" point in my pregnancy and that I could lose the pregnancy.

I shakily passed the phone to Mr. M. so that she could tell him everything and he could answer questions. The tears were pouring down my face and semi-hysterical sobs were happening every time I took a breath.

Sheer terror.

I followed Dr. A.'s orders for the rest of the weekend to "sit around and do nothing." No lifting, no exercise, not even any cleaning. It drove me NUTS because when I am stressed ALL I want to do is clean. Mr. M. was very sweet and coddled me and took good care of me all weekend.

Yesterday I went for another progesterone blood test. They called this morning and my levels are back to normal. That's some good news, at least. I am to keep on the suppositories until Dr. A. tells me otherwise - probably until at least ten weeks.

I wish I knew what was going on in that uterus of mine. Yesterday I had myself convinced I wasn't pregnant anymore - I barely have any nausea, my boobs are only a little bit sore and I just don't FEEL that pregnant. I was convinced they were going to call with bad news today.

So for now, I'm hanging in there, and waiting. I have an appointment with a maternal fetal medicine specialist Thursday, June 9. He will do an ultrasound so at least I will know if things are still ok.

This waiting is the worst.

So for now, I'm hanging in there, trying not to lose my mind.

...and trying not to think about the word "iffy" too much.

Better.

Welcome ICLWers! To read my welcome post, click here. I'm so glad you stopped by!

By about ten a.m. yesterday morning, the light bleeding from Saturday night had stopped. I still felt crampy all day, but that's pretty much par for the course. I surprised myself by getting a really good night's sleep last night and woke up feeling refreshed and cheerful. Only one more sleep until we find out what's actually going on in that uterus of mine!

At this point, I know I've done everything I can. No sex, no exercise, no heavy lifting, no caffeine, no carbonated sodas, no alcohol. I've taken my vitamins and supplement on time every day and have never missed one. I haven't put any medicine or artificial sweeteners into my body. I've taken it easy, lowered the temperature of my baths and am putting my feet up every chance I've had. The one thing that hasn't been great is my eating, but I am still working on it!

It's out of my hands. When my bleeding started Saturday night, Mr. M. said, "You've done everything right so far. There's nothing else we can do." At this point I totally believe that is true.

Today I am going to try to focus on my work to distract me(and maybe reading some blogs) and staying as calm and relaxed as I can.

Tomorrow is a big day. A BIG. DAY. But whatever happens, I have been blessed beyond belief to have experienced being pregnant even for a little while. It hasn't exactly been "fun," but it has been an amazing experience. Hopefully an experience that will continue in a healthy, normal way.

Wishing you all a wonderful week as you face whatever challenges and worries you are dealing with right now. You're not alone - none of us are.

Five more.

Five. More. Sleeps. Until. Next. Tuesday.

Had more bloodwork drawn today. Another HcG as well as a urinalysis and checking for lots of fun diseases and disorders. Unfortunately my OBGYN's office closes at noon tomorrow and my lab is super slow, so I probably won't have my results until Monday.

Slowly. Losing. My. Mind.

Waiting is not my strong suit.

UPDATE: Blood work came back fine. They actually didn't test the HcG again because at this stage they levels have probably started (naturally) falling. They confirmed that my blood type is O negative, which means I will need some additional shots but that's it.

Stasis...

Stasis, n:a state or condition in which there is no action or progress; static situation: dramatic stasis .

That's where we are right now.

As of today, I am 5 weeks, 7 days pregnant. So far, it has been an incredible journey.

I am 7 sleeps away from our first ultrasound to check for a heartbeat and/or a fetal pole. I will be right on the edge of being able to hear a heartbeat but they're not sure. The nurse told me that once they hear a heartbeat, the risk of something going wrong (I cannot bring myself to even type the dreaded "m" word) decreases by 80 percent.

So now, I wait. And wait. Each day drags by with aching slowness and I wonder how I can possibly survive 239 more days of this without losing what's left of my sanity.

I'm trying to stay calm. I'm trying, as Mr. M. and my grandma keep advising me, to find the joy in this experience and to not let fear rule my life. It is MUCH easier said that done.

I am still cramping, which they say is nothing to worry about. It's like menstrual cramps in a way - they come and go and I just feel very swollen and tender in my lower abdomen. I appreciate the cramps because they mean that my uterus is growing, but they are also a constant reminder of my condition and all the things that could go wrong. Between the cramps and the (sorry TMI) increased discharge, I feel like I am bleeding all. The time.

As for other symptoms - my boobs are a teeny bit tender but not too bad. I am having more and more bouts of nausea that just kind of settles in the back of my throat and sits there. I haven't reached the "totally exhausted" part yet but I am sleeping better than usual.

I'm peeing more too. Every time I go, there's a moment of breathless terror when I pull down my underwear. Sometimes I even do it with my eyes closed and then have to brace myself to open them. It it's clear of blood or spotting, I relax a little bit, but only until I wipe. Then the whole process starts all over again. Sorry if that's TMI, but this is honesty, folks. And honestly, this is quite a scary experience.

I took some days off of work (the ones that were supposed to be my New Orleans trip) and today is the first day back. It's good because it provides a distraction, but not so good because MAN is today going slowly. I can't seem to make myself concentrate or focus.

It feels like the rest of the world should be held in suspension while we wait. It feels like everything should change, adjust, make way for me and my new worries. It is amazing to me how SO much has changed in a week, yet life is going on just the same way it has every day.

I thank God every morning that we have made it to another day. I plead with Him every night to make this right; make this stick; help this to be healthy and successful through and through.

If you're a religious person, please pray for me. If not, please send me some love and light, or good vibes, or whatever you feel like. I'm sending the same to all of those bloggers who are struggling right now with their BFNs, or about to trigger for their next IUI, or beginning the steps to another IVF. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Watch that first step...

...it's a doosie!

Met with my OB yesterday afternoon. She was very honest in the fact that I may not carry this baby to term, but very excited for me at the moment. She immediately classified me as a high risk pregnancy, which I was sort of expecting but was very scary nonetheless. She answered all of my questions about what to watch for, what to do and not to do, etc.

I had to cancel my New Orleans trip which was planned for this Friday. It was a bummer, but she doesn't want me away from her practice at this most delicate time. Luckily we were flying Southwest, so we were able to get our tickets transferred to travel vouchers which we have a year to use. Southwest is such an amazing company, especially when it comes to customer service.

So, for now - no heavy lifting, no exercise, no sex, no flying. She added an essential fatty acid supplement called Expecta to my prenatal vitamins.

As for symptoms, the main one is mild cramping. My OB seemed worried about this as it could be a sign of ectopic pregnancy, but Dr Google assures me that some cramping is normal in early pregnanct. I know Dr A is just being cautious right now, which I understand and appreciate. I have a few twinges of nausea in the mornings that seem to be worsening, but so far I haven't been actually sick. Also a few boob twinges, but nothing severe.

Telling Mr. M. went very well. I found a baby picture frame at Hallmark that said "miracle" and had a stock photo of a baby inside of it. I put my positive pregnancy test inside it (in a plastic bag)and hid it under his pillow with a sweet card announcing that I was pregnant. He was understandably shocked and started trembling. It was a wonderful moment. He is very excited and happy even though we have to be very cautious right now and take it one day at a time. He was being very protective last night, which completely and utterly melted my heart.

Going for my second beta and progesterone blood test today at lunchtime, with results tomorrow. Since I was at 600 on Monday, I should be near 1200 today. The test can also help detect an ectopic pregnancy.

So for now, I am excited and completely and utterly terrified of something going wrong. But I am hanging in there.

If you are a religious person, please pray for me. If not, just send some love and light my way and I will really appreciate it.

Will update as soon as I get beta results back...

Still waiting...

Still waiting for AF to show her ugly face. I've taken two pregnancy tests and both are negative, but until I'm SURE sure I'm still avoiding strenuous, high-impact exercise and the like. It will almost be a relief for AF to show up, since I know she's on her way, so I can stop treating myself like I'm so fragile!

In miraculous news, Team Baby CEO just had something AMAZING happen to her today, so go post your positive thoughts on her blog! She was one of my very first blog readers so she's pretty special to me.

I've added two new pages recently - the Cooking and Crafting page, where I will share my weekly meal plan and try to post one of my favorite recipes, and the Eating and Exercising page, where I will post my food and exercise log as I attempt to slim down. I hope you enjoy them!

Working an overnight volunteer shift tonight from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m., the reporting to work for a full nine hours at 8 a.m. The shift allows some limited time for sleep, but I still feel like tomorrow is going to be a VERY long day.

How do I know?

Am I ovulating? How do I know?

Today is day 16 of my first birth control-free cycle, and I've been charting my BBT and doing an OPK every day. So far, no noticable drop or rise in temperature, and no smiley face on the OPK screen. :(

I have, however, been feeling kind of crampy in my lower abdomen for the past two days. Am I just imagining this? The cramps feel pretty darn real and aren't really like period cramps. Should we go ahead and do a BD even though I have no idea how long my cycle is going to be?

This is all so confusing and overwhelming. It's so strange to be doing things backwards - to KNOW that I'm going to have problems conceiving before we have even tried.

Still waiting for my smiley face...

A Toilet Shower Makes for a Crappy Day

My day literally, LITERALLY started out with a toilet shower. After taking a sick day yesterday, I stumbled into work bleary-eyed and already hating the world. At 8:30 I headed to the bathroom. After finishing my "business" I stood up and the automatic toilet flusher thing went off.

And fired a huge spray of water up and out from the pipes at the top of the toilet.

My back was drenched and I was in total disbelief of what had just happened. Luckily, it was the clean water that sprayed me and not the ACTUAL toilet water, or I might still be on the floor in hysterics.

My day did not improve from then on. Working on huge projects all day and the receptionist called in sick so I had to man the front desk while also trying to get my own work done. Not a great day.

Last night I journeyed to the wonderful haven of Barnes and Noble to pick out a notebook. It took me a good twenty minutes of comparing and contrasting design, sturdiness, line width and number of pages. I am a writer and very specific about being comfortable when I write. I chose a spiral-bound so I can write with ease on both the fronts and backs of the pages. It's a brightly-colored design of owls, made of recycled materials.

I paid for the notebook (and an inspirational bookmark which I shall share later), bought myself a coffee, and wandered to the fertility books. I picked out three of them ("Infertility for Dummies" being among them) and settled in a comfy chair. I opened my notebook with a satisfying creak and proceeded to write the following entry:

"I spent an inordinate amount of time choosing the journal, searching for one that was Just Right. If has to feel right - sturdy, cheerful and supportive enough to bear the weight of a pen in distress. I believe this one will do the job. I also purchased a bookmark that says:

'BE courageous! HAVE faith! GO forward!' - Edison

It seems an appropriate sentiment as I go forward with this journey. I just hope I don't lose the stupid bookmark.

Later...

So much time choosing the bookmark, in fact, that I didn't even get a chance to glance at the three fertility books I had picked out in the store. I had to rush off to a meeting and sit with a pregnant girl on my left and a girl holding a newborn on my right. Super fun, I assure you.

It's probably a good thing I didn't read the books. I'm trying to limit those types of activities as much as I can until I actually talk to the doctor, with a few slip-ups (frantically searching the Web for any nugget of information or hope).

Right now I'm just suspended in an awful kind of stasis as I wait for the opportunity to do my blood work again, wait for the results, and wait to speak with the doctor.

Far too much waiting on an issue that will affect my life immeasureably."

The notebook will become my journal, my notebook, my haven of ideas, book titles and research. I hope it will help me to write out my feelings instead of letting them boil inside of me.

On the very first page I wrote:

"Journal Started March 1, 2011"

with a lot of blank space beneath it.

Hopefully someday, that blank space will contain the names and birthdates of my children.

The Wait. Is Killing Me.

Increasingly I find that the worst part of this experience (so far, of course) is WAITING. Waiting for Aunt Flo to visit again, which won’t happen until March. Tenth. Next MONTH. God, it always seems like I want the time between “visits” to last as long as possible. Never in my life have I wanted it to HURRY UP like I do right now.

Once Aunt F. arrives I will be able to go have my bloodwork done again. Then I will be (again) waiting for the results. Then waiting to meet with my doctor.

Essentially, waiting to see how the rest of my life is going to turn out.

I am restless. I can’t focus on anything. I can’t make myself do my work; work that really needs to be done. I can’t keep myself away from the Internet and the countless blogs and Web sites about infertility. I can’t make myself stop.

I haven’t even started trying to get pregnant yet, and already I feel like I’m losing my mind.