It isn't getting any easier.

More bleeding over the weekend. I woke up on Saturday in a good mood, ready to enjoy the day with Mr. M. I put in my morning progesterone suppository and lay in bed for a while. I noticed that I was feeling extra crampy but tried to ignore it. Then, right before we were ready to leave, I went to the bathroom and had dark pink on the TP. It hasn't ever been that color before.

Maybe the suppository somehow irritated my vagina or cervix or something. The spotting stopped pretty much as soon as it started. But it scared me. And it made me feel once again completely and totally helpless. There's nothing more I can do. Hell, there's nothing even the doctors can do at this point.

Then last night our pug jumped onto me from the back of the couch and I screamed in fear. He landed towards the outside of my stomach, closer to my hipbone, but that didn't stop me from smacking the sh*t out of him and screaming hysterically at him.

Crazy high-rick pregnancy woman much?

I tried to explain it to Mr. M. last night. How it feels to live in this constant terror. Every trip to the bathroom, every cramp, every moment of NOT feeling pregnant...how they weigh on you, build up on your shoulders and press on your heart and on your sanity. Am I going to bleed today? Is this going to be the day it is over? Is it already over and I just don't know it? Can I afford to hope and be joyful? Is the sac growing like it's supposed to? It's almost more than I can bear.

But I can bear it. And I WILL bear it, if that's what it takes.

We told Mr. M's family this weekend, finally. Every time we wanted to tell them we would have another bleeding scare and put it off. We finally just bit the bullet. They are all excited. I was upset because he told him dad via phone and I wasn't even in the room to share in the moment. In fact, am still upset about it. Oh, well. They are all so excited about this baby - I just hope we don't have to break their hearts.

I need a fucking vacation.