More bleeding over the weekend. I woke up on Saturday in a good mood, ready to enjoy the day with Mr. M. I put in my morning progesterone suppository and lay in bed for a while. I noticed that I was feeling extra crampy but tried to ignore it. Then, right before we were ready to leave, I went to the bathroom and had dark pink on the TP. It hasn't ever been that color before.
Maybe the suppository somehow irritated my vagina or cervix or something. The spotting stopped pretty much as soon as it started. But it scared me. And it made me feel once again completely and totally helpless. There's nothing more I can do. Hell, there's nothing even the doctors can do at this point.
Then last night our pug jumped onto me from the back of the couch and I screamed in fear. He landed towards the outside of my stomach, closer to my hipbone, but that didn't stop me from smacking the sh*t out of him and screaming hysterically at him.
Crazy high-rick pregnancy woman much?
I tried to explain it to Mr. M. last night. How it feels to live in this constant terror. Every trip to the bathroom, every cramp, every moment of NOT feeling pregnant...how they weigh on you, build up on your shoulders and press on your heart and on your sanity. Am I going to bleed today? Is this going to be the day it is over? Is it already over and I just don't know it? Can I afford to hope and be joyful? Is the sac growing like it's supposed to? It's almost more than I can bear.
But I can bear it. And I WILL bear it, if that's what it takes.
We told Mr. M's family this weekend, finally. Every time we wanted to tell them we would have another bleeding scare and put it off. We finally just bit the bullet. They are all excited. I was upset because he told him dad via phone and I wasn't even in the room to share in the moment. In fact, am still upset about it. Oh, well. They are all so excited about this baby - I just hope we don't have to break their hearts.
I need a fucking vacation.
Showing posts with label sleepless nights. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sleepless nights. Show all posts
Monday, June 13, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I Quit.
Today, I quit.
Mr. M. was away at a work dinner last night, so I had the couch, the TV and the refrigerator all to myself. A dangerous combination if ever there was one.
I started off well enough. I took the puppies for a little walk, cleaned our bathroom for the plumber tomorrow (LONG story involving gophers and broken water lines) and settled on the couch with a bag of baby carrots and a jar of spinach dip. I just kept eating and eating, and before I knew it half of the bag was gone.
A little while later I decided I needed something salty and I watched in horror as a large part of a bag of Sun Chips dissappeared from under my questing fingers.
An hour later the cold pizza in the fridge was calling and even though I was full after two thin crust slices, I ate the third and last piece. By the time Mr. M. got home I was in total misery.
I know I stress eat. It's not exactly bingeing but it's not healthy for me, mentally or otherwise. Especially not with my infertility diagnosis.
So today, I quit. I quit comforting myself with food. I quit eating when I'm not hungry. I quit making little excuses to cheat. I quit reaching to food to fill the emptiness inside.
I quit failing. No more. I will do this and I will increase my fertility before we meet with our RE on June 16.
I mean it. I am Iron(wo)Man.
In other news, out of the blue I am sleeping SO well and I have no idea why. It sure as hell isn't due to lack of stress! There are so many variables in my life that have changed. Here are my theories:
1. No more birth control pills. Could the hormones have been affecting my sleep patterns somehow? I was on them for seven years and have had sleep problems off and on.
2. No more hot baths before bed. I've been either taking showers or just "warm" baths when I generally prefer my baths HOT. Maybe that was jacking up my temperature or something.
3. Low carb diet. Maybe the total lack of sugar and caffeine and the resulting lower levels of insulin in my system are making it easier for my body to turn itself off.
Who knows?
So far, I've had zero comments on this blog. Is anyone out there in the Blogosphere actually reading? I sure hope so. It doesn't feel great to be speaking to an empty room.
Mr. M. was away at a work dinner last night, so I had the couch, the TV and the refrigerator all to myself. A dangerous combination if ever there was one.
I started off well enough. I took the puppies for a little walk, cleaned our bathroom for the plumber tomorrow (LONG story involving gophers and broken water lines) and settled on the couch with a bag of baby carrots and a jar of spinach dip. I just kept eating and eating, and before I knew it half of the bag was gone.
A little while later I decided I needed something salty and I watched in horror as a large part of a bag of Sun Chips dissappeared from under my questing fingers.
An hour later the cold pizza in the fridge was calling and even though I was full after two thin crust slices, I ate the third and last piece. By the time Mr. M. got home I was in total misery.
I know I stress eat. It's not exactly bingeing but it's not healthy for me, mentally or otherwise. Especially not with my infertility diagnosis.
So today, I quit. I quit comforting myself with food. I quit eating when I'm not hungry. I quit making little excuses to cheat. I quit reaching to food to fill the emptiness inside.
I quit failing. No more. I will do this and I will increase my fertility before we meet with our RE on June 16.
I mean it. I am Iron(wo)Man.
In other news, out of the blue I am sleeping SO well and I have no idea why. It sure as hell isn't due to lack of stress! There are so many variables in my life that have changed. Here are my theories:
1. No more birth control pills. Could the hormones have been affecting my sleep patterns somehow? I was on them for seven years and have had sleep problems off and on.
2. No more hot baths before bed. I've been either taking showers or just "warm" baths when I generally prefer my baths HOT. Maybe that was jacking up my temperature or something.
3. Low carb diet. Maybe the total lack of sugar and caffeine and the resulting lower levels of insulin in my system are making it easier for my body to turn itself off.
Who knows?
So far, I've had zero comments on this blog. Is anyone out there in the Blogosphere actually reading? I sure hope so. It doesn't feel great to be speaking to an empty room.
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