CD 15 - Yes, BUT

This waiting thing sucks big time, you know? Patience has never ever been my strong suit but this is testing every last ounce of it that I've got.

The thing about it, as I'm sure many of you know, is that it takes over your life almost completely. It's always hovering in the back of your head to be thought about whenever you have a spare moment. It creeps up on you unexpectedly. It weighs down your shoulders until your neck is stiff. You might find yourself watching a commercial for pregnancy tests, placing your hands over your uterus and whispering, "Please, please, please" to Whoever might be listening out (or up) there.

The first time we were TTC amid all the drama of the high FSH diagnosis, I had a full-time job that required an hour commute each way. It was an awesome, fun job full of amazing people and I loved it. The thing is, I was busy. Yes, I browsed blogs and researched every chance I got, but I had plenty of things to distract me.

Now, not so much. Oh sure, I'm busy in the stay-at-home mom kind of way: the never-ending cycle of making meals and doing dishes and washing clothes and reading books and playing ball and giving hugs and kisses and tickles. But all of those things leave my mind relatively unoccupied, and THAT is the hard part. I have some editing work right now since the magazine I work for is on deadline, so at least that can occupy me a bit.

I'm going to POAS tomorrow morning. I will be about 10 dpo and I can't stand it any longer. If I get a negative, I'm waiting until Saturday to try again.

Symptoms? Yes...BUT:

I'm cramping, BUT I've had cramping since I ovulated so it doesn't seem significant. Of course, today the cramps are gone so now I'm all worried about it in that crazy TTC logic way.

My boobs are tender, BUT I have a lot of scar tissue and some non-cancerous nodes that flare up and hurt sometimes so it could just be that.

Peeing a lot, BUT I am trying to drink a lot of water so I stay hydrated.

Really tired, BUT I've had a cold this week (and can't take any good medicine because I'm TTC) so that explains that.

I'm not, I don't think, overly optimistic about getting pregnant this cycle. If I get a BFN, I think I will be upset, eat carbs and drink wine for a couple of days, and then start all over again. I am honestly doing every single thing I can to give my body an edge right now (more on that later) so at least I'll know I did my best (you should have seen me at the store trying to pick out an herbal tea for my cold while the Interweb was screaming that EVERYTHING causes miscarriage [okay perhaps a bit of an exaggeration but you get what I mean]).

Still, and you know what I mean, there's still that tiny voice inside my head that whispers, It could happen.

I'm letting it whisper and trying to smile about it. Because hope, my friends, is never a bad thing.

Better.

Welcome ICLWers! To read my welcome post, click here. I'm so glad you stopped by!

By about ten a.m. yesterday morning, the light bleeding from Saturday night had stopped. I still felt crampy all day, but that's pretty much par for the course. I surprised myself by getting a really good night's sleep last night and woke up feeling refreshed and cheerful. Only one more sleep until we find out what's actually going on in that uterus of mine!

At this point, I know I've done everything I can. No sex, no exercise, no heavy lifting, no caffeine, no carbonated sodas, no alcohol. I've taken my vitamins and supplement on time every day and have never missed one. I haven't put any medicine or artificial sweeteners into my body. I've taken it easy, lowered the temperature of my baths and am putting my feet up every chance I've had. The one thing that hasn't been great is my eating, but I am still working on it!

It's out of my hands. When my bleeding started Saturday night, Mr. M. said, "You've done everything right so far. There's nothing else we can do." At this point I totally believe that is true.

Today I am going to try to focus on my work to distract me(and maybe reading some blogs) and staying as calm and relaxed as I can.

Tomorrow is a big day. A BIG. DAY. But whatever happens, I have been blessed beyond belief to have experienced being pregnant even for a little while. It hasn't exactly been "fun," but it has been an amazing experience. Hopefully an experience that will continue in a healthy, normal way.

Wishing you all a wonderful week as you face whatever challenges and worries you are dealing with right now. You're not alone - none of us are.