Friday, April 1, 2011

Gathering my courage..

We had the first appointment of the day. The waiting room was full of pregnant women, happy couples and moms with young kids. Mr. M. sat beside me and I found my heart breaking a little that we weren't here for a joyful reason.

We were led to the exam room at about 9:30. I sat on the uncomfortable exam table while Mr. M. sat in the one extra chair, looking uncomfortable and nervous in his dressy work clothes. We waited. And waited. And waited some more. At first we made small talk. At one point he came over to rub my back and hold my hand. Eventually we drifted off to a nervous, agitated silence. The tension in the room was so thick it was almost suffocating.

At about 10:20 (yes, FIFTY minutes later)the doctor came in to speak to us. I'm very lucky in my OBGYN - I absolutely love her. She is very straightforward and honest, but great at giving support and comfort at the same time.

The news wasn't surprising. The high FSH levels worried her, so she went ahead and referred us to a Reproductive Endocrinologist in our area, one who is "high FSH-friendly." Some REs won't accept patients with high FSH because they lower the success rates of their clinics.

Mr. M. stayed solid and attentive through the whole thing, and even asked a few questions I hadn't thought of. After she had left the room, he came to hug me and I noticed that he was trembling. I was overwhelmed with tenderness that this experience was as emotional for him as it was for me.

As soon as I got in my car (he had to go to work) I called the RE for an appointment. The OBGYN said she wasn't terribly hard to get in to see. She's not, unless you consider having to wait almost three months "terribly hard." After I scheduled my appointment I had a lovely little breakdown alone in my car, so frustrated with having to do more endless waiting.

Then I straightened my shoulders, dried my tears, and promptly went to the book store to buy every book on fertility that looked like it might be helpful. I repeated that at two more bookstores until I was satisfied.

I'll tell you more about what I'm doing to help increase my fertility and my chances of conceiving in my next entry, as well as my list of helpful books. I suppose the journey has officially started. Wish me luck.

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