Tuesday, April 5, 2011

My first nightmare...

It shouldn't be surprising to most that I haven't been sleeping well since this high FSH drama first started on February 18. I suffer from insomnia off and on, but this round has been worse than usual. Usually I struggle with falling asleep but am fine once I finally conk out.

Now I have both - problems falling asleep and problems waking up during the night. A lot.

I have spent so many night tossing and turning, trying to medicate or meditate myself to sleep. Trying to still my racing mind and slow my pounding heartbeat. Every night I try, and every night I fail.

Last night I had my first nightmare about infertility. I had spent a lot of yesterday reading a blog about male factor infertility (which is very poignant and you should check it out here - http://foxypopcorn.blogspot.com/).

I dreamed that we had a sperm analysis (SA) done on Mr. M., and the results came in and said he had fat, bloated sperm that barely moved.

In the dream, I was devastated. I was sobbing and he was withdrawn and SO dissappointed. I knew deep down in my heart that he would never be able to get over it.

I woke from the nightmare with a gasping sob lodged in my throat and a horrible tightness in my chest, covered in sweat.

Just the first of what I am assuming will be many nighmares.

Sorry about the grumpy South Beach Diet post yesterday. I can tell I am losing weight and am feeling nice and cleansed of the craving for carbs (with the exception of coming home last night and watching my husband eat delicious, greasy PIZZA while I nibbled on a salad like a rabbit and who wouldn't want to kill their husband if they were in my shoes).

Super busy every night this week with the planning committee for my big charity function on Saturday. At least it is keeping me from staying home, bored and hungry!

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