Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I feel like I'm pretending

Our ultrasound to check for a heartbeat is tomorrow at 1 pm. That means that by this time tomorrow, I will know what is going on.

The two weeks since my last ultrasound have gone by with absolutely agonizing slowness. Every day seems to drag and every spare moment is filled with thoughts and worry.

Mr. M. and I spent five days in New Orleans for our anniversary, which was fun...ish. It was super weird and awkward being there and not able to drink or go to bars and have to schedule things around me having to lie down for my progesterone suppositories. At least we ate a lot of good food.

Since we were originally supposed to fly, we had to tell our families that we would be driving and tell them we were pregnant. I also mentioned to several people in New Orleans that I was pregnant.

And every single time, I felt like I was pretending, or faking it, or that it wasn't really true. That it couldn't possibly be true.

About a week ago, I made a decision to give myself permission to feel joy and excitement about this pregnancy. Superstition and fear be damned. Because I know that it is absolutely true that I am doing everything I can to help this baby grow, and that allowing myself to hope is not going to lower my chances of success. It will hurt just the same if it goes wrong whether I was hopeful or not.

So I have been dreaming, and smiling, and praying for this little one to stay with me, and be strong, and healthy, and beautiful.

I will let you know what happens tomorrow.

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