Still Here/There

Well, I'm still here. And Ethan is still there. There being the NICU. Chances are very slim that he will be home with us for Christmas. Yesterday I bought a tiny blue stocking with an embroidered letter "E" on it and hung it in between mine and Mr. M.'s. I feel like our sweet boy needs to be represented but I am almost regretting the purchase because every time I see it it makes me sad.

The jaundice is finally gone after days of roller coasting up and down. The IV is gone, a MAJOR blessing since they had it stuck in the middle of his forehead and it was awful to look at. He is digesting all of his feedings and producing poopy diapers like a champ.

Now if only he would take his damn bottle. I fought for them to let us try doing every other feeding as a bottle feeding and won, but he won't consistently take the whole bottle. Once he gets every other feeding down they switch to every feeding by bottle (he still has a feeding tube in) and have to watch him for a couple of days.

Let's face it. My baby will not be home in my arms on Christmas, and it is really, really sad.

As for me - I'm exhausted, depressed and SO sick of my daily schedule of home, hospital, repeat, with some errands thrown in. I've had a terrible stress headache for five days straight. I'm sad. And frustrated. And struggling (obviously) to be positive. No one outside of me and M had held our son since he was born (hospital rules) and it hurts my heart.

But I still thank God every night for the blessing that is our sweet boy. I can't believe that we are lucky enough to be his parents.

Here's hoping for a Christmas miracle...