Day One - Back to Work

Well, the drop off a daycare this morning was accomplished fairly smoothly, with just a few tears - from me. It felt so unnatural to hand E over to a stranger and leave him there. I called and checked on him mid-morning and they said he was doing great, then my good friend L went to give him some snuggles on her lunch break. She texted me a photo of them snuggling and I went a little green with jealousy.

You wanna know the odd part, though? It actually feels REALLY good to be back at work. I love the great majority of my co-workers and have received so many heartfelt "welcome back" comments. It's a beautiful day here and I spent my lunch break walking around outside (I work at a tourist attraction in my state).

And honestly? It feels nice not to have to worry about the next feeding time or diaper change, and to be able to sit and write without worrying about or tuning out fretful crying. It's nice to be by myself and to be able to shut my office door and have Peace and Quiet, the ever-elusive, much longed-for states that motherhood shuts the door on with a firm and resounding bang!

My anxiety about leaving E is much less than I thought it would be, which makes me wonder if staying at home is the right decision for me after all. Maybe it'll be better for me to have a break and interact with grownups than to stay with him all the time. I do love my job a lot. If it were a mindless desk job this would be such an easier decision, but it is pretty much my dream job, and although it comes with its own shares of frustrations, it will be really hard to give it up.

Two more weeks before I make my final decision. We'll see what the remaining days will bring.

Back To Work

Well, tomorrow is the big day - my first day back at work after 12 wonderful weeks home with E. Every time I think about leaving him at day care tomorrow morning I have a little mini panic attack and my chest gets all tight and clutchy.

I know I can do it, I just have to figure out how. Get myself up and ready, get the kid up and fed, get his stuff organized, pack my lunch and gym bag and somehow get out the door on time. I'll try to do as much as i can the night before to give myself an edge. I'm not sure how long it'll take to get from my house to daycare, or how long the drop-off process will take.

I can't bear the thought of leaving my sweet boy all day. The town where we live and where he will be in care is 35 minutes away from my work, so I can't even go snuggle him on my lunch break. :( My good friend L has volunteered to go snuggle him on her lunch break, which I do appreciate.

To be honest, this is just a trial run. Mr M and I have been talking a lot about it and have pretty much decided that I am going to quit and stay at home with E. I wasn't supposed to be able to have ONE child, so there's no guarantee that I will ever have this experience again. I do feel like I need to try to go back to work for a while, though, so I can make an informed decision about what my life would be like either way.

Wish me luck for minimum hysterics and tears tomorrow as I leave my little one in someone else's arms.

I'm S.exy and I Know It?

Okay, folks, let's get real. I have some confessions to make.

Confession #1: Until this past Sunday, I was still wearing only maternity pants with the stretchy panels. Yes, at 11 weeks post partum I was still in them.

Confession #2: The reason I was still in them was that none of my pre-pregnancy pants fit anymore. I have this jiggly spare tire around my middle that didn't used to be there, and also gained some in my thighs.

Confession #3: This past Sunday, I had to do the Terrible Awful thing that anyone who was ever struggled with their weight has always dreaded doing: I had to shop in the plus-sized section. It was awful. I never thought I would wind up there despite being overweight my entire life.

My old size 16 pants don't fit anymore - they're too small. Frustratingly, neither do the size 18W - they are way too big. I finally figured out I'm like a 16W, the smallest size in the section which of course means they don't have many left.

After an agonizing hour, I left with two pairs of slacks and a pair of jeans. I had to make myself go shopping as I start work in less than a week (more on that later) and needed actual clothes to wear. I can't imagine how embarrassed I would be if I had to do something active at work (which often I do) and my maternity panel showed.

Well, that experience did it. I had already signed back up with my personal trainer, C, who I have used off and on for a few years. I'm seeing him Saturday mornings and Tuesday evenings. Tonight was my third workout and it honestly felt so GOOD to be sweating after months and months of inactivity. Once I go back to work next week I'll have access to our employee gym again, which will be great as I love to work out on my lunch break.

I also went back on Phase One of the S.outh B.each diet. If you've been reading for a while, you'll remember I was doing that when I miraculously got pregnant. Phase one is the hardest two weeks ever - NO grains or fruit or starchy things or sweets or alcohol for the entire period. I eat a lot of eggs, grilled chicken and spinach, cheese (low fat) and raw veggies. It helps that I have a formal function coming up on March 10 and a dress that I am struggling to fit into.

Here's what I had today, if you're curious:
Breakfast: One egg, scrambled in olive oil, and two slices turkey bacon with a small glass of 1% milk.
Lunch: Turkey taco meat, kidney beans, low fat cheese, low fat sour cream and salsa (like a taco salad without the shell) and sliced cucumbers.
Snack: Low fat string cheese and 15 almonds
Dinner: Grilled chicken and spinach with low fat feta cheese, and celery sticks with one wedge light L.aughing C.ow cheese.

So, it's doable. If I wasn't allowed dairy products I probably couldn't handle it. Tonight I made PIZZA for Mr. M. before I left for the gym, and then had my salad when I got home aferwards.

Please understand that I honestly don't judge people who are plus-sized. If you are healthy and love your body, that's an amazing thing and I'm jealous of you. But shopping in that section was like crossing some big, serious line for me personally. I knew that I was too heavy and not eating right, but that just opened my eyes very abruptly and it scared me. Especially since I know one of the best things I can do to increase my odds of ever having another child is be healthy and fit.

Maybe if the scale shows some progress and the dress fits, I can find my sexy again.

Must-Haves: Newborn Gear

Must-Haves: Newborn Gear

In celebration of both of us surviving his two month shots this morning with minimal hysterics, here are my favorite things for me and Ethan, and also some things I expected to love and didn't. I've been working on the post for a while so I hope I didn't leave anything good out!

TOP MUST-HAVES
-Fisher Price Rock and Play Sleeper - I didn't buy one of these despite the wonderful reviews because we already had a crib, pack and play, bassinet and swing. My aunt took it upon herself to send us one after E was born. One night when E was fussing and refused to settle down, I plopped him in it and it worked like magic. He sleeps in it every night now. It is super easy to rock with a free hand or foot, even while I'm lying in bed.
-Footed sleepers/sleep and plays with ZIPPERS. Get it? ZIPPERS. NOT buttons. When you have a screaming newborn on the changing table at two a.m. with churning legs and a red face, the last thing you want to worry about is fastening a thousand buttons. I hate the onesie/pants/socks combo because it is SUCH a pain during diaper changes.
-Summer Infant Swaddle Me Blankets - Our little one will not settle unless he is tightly swaddled, otherwise his arms get to flailing and he just makes himself more agitated. These work wonders on our little Houdini and help calm him down.
-Angelcare Monitor. We have the $100 version and I LOVE it. It lets me sleep in peace knowing that I can hear him over the audio monitor and that it will let me know if he doesn't move after 15 seconds by sounding an alarm. It also has a feature that makes little ticking noises every time your baby moves, which is very reassuring. You won't regret buying one of these, I promise.
-Cloth diapers. These are hands down the BEST burp cloths. They are huge and absorbent and I just rotate to a clean spot each feeding. One burp cloth can usually do at least four feedings. Super easy to wash, too!
-A white noise app for your phone. We downloaded a free, lite version on our iPhone the third night home with E and he loves it! Luckily we had my old 3s and WiFi so we now have a dedicated baby phone! We hooked it up to some speakers and it soothes E, and us, to sleep each night. Also very portable for overnight trips! :)

Other Things We Like:
-Baby Bjorn carrier, mesh. I wear him in this around the house doing chores and when out in public - at the grocery store, etc. It frees up my hands and cart for shopping and he loves snuggling in to me. It doesn't hurt my back at all and feels much more secure then a wrap type carrier. Get the mesh one - it's a lot more breathable and the baby gets very warm in it anyway.
-Wipe warmer. He yells a lot less during diaper changes now that we have this baby plugged in! Also, he seems to squirt during feedings a lot less.
-Vibrating bouncy chair. The few dinners we've gotten through without him crying are courtesy of this contraption!
-My Little Snug A Bunny swing. This is THE perfect swing with all the right features: it plugs in so batteries aren't an issue, it has a musical mobile with a big mirror so he can watch himself, it swings side to side OR back to front, it plays nice music, you can adjust the speed of the swing AND it is soft and cushy!
-Waterproof pads, smallish. These are cheap and a must-have. We put them in the bassinet, the pack and play and on the changing pad on top of the soft cover. If he makes a mess during a change we simply toss the pad in the wash and slap down a new one.
-Gum Drop pacifiers. These are the pacis they used in the NICU and who am I to argue with medical professionals? They are in the shape my lactation consultant prefers, too - a round cylinder.
-Palmolive baby liquid soap. I like this milder soap for cleaning bottles, toys and breast pump parts.
-Breathable mesh bumper. I love this for E's crib as he likes to curl up in a little ball and roll over on his side. Makes me feel a lot more comfortable.
-Nursing tanks. I just bought a few from T.arget and they were great when I was still trying to pump and nurse. They work great with pajama bottoms for night or under a T shirt during the day.

Things I expected to use a lot and haven't yet:
-Boppy. Since I'm not breast feeding, this gets little use. We usually prop him up on our knees to feed him.
-Pack and Play: This is set up in our bedroom but had gotten no use since about his first week home when we discovered how much he loves his Rock and Play.
-Onesies/pants/socks: Footed sleep and plays are SO much easier than messing with these separates!

Hope this post is helpful!

Ostracized

I have a cold, and a fever, and have had to keep my distance from E for the past few days except when absolutely necessary. I also have to stay away from Mr M so HE doesn't get sick.

It is breaking my heart. My arms absolutely ache to hold E and cover him with kisses.

My beautiful boy is two months old today. How time flies.

We did it.

And by "it," I mean, you know, IT. The thing that we haven't done in many many moons, in fact not since E was conceived (doctor's orders).

From reading other blogs, I gathered the best way to approach it was with copious amounts of alcohol and KY. As to the first, had A beer with dinner. As to the second, absolutely.

It was...nice. I felt a bit sore and uncomfortable at first but it improved. It was wonderful to be back in his arms, though.

And as they say...practice makes perfect!

(He would kill me if he knew I had written about this, BTW...). :)