Well, the drop off a daycare this morning was accomplished fairly smoothly, with just a few tears - from me. It felt so unnatural to hand E over to a stranger and leave him there. I called and checked on him mid-morning and they said he was doing great, then my good friend L went to give him some snuggles on her lunch break. She texted me a photo of them snuggling and I went a little green with jealousy.
You wanna know the odd part, though? It actually feels REALLY good to be back at work. I love the great majority of my co-workers and have received so many heartfelt "welcome back" comments. It's a beautiful day here and I spent my lunch break walking around outside (I work at a tourist attraction in my state).
And honestly? It feels nice not to have to worry about the next feeding time or diaper change, and to be able to sit and write without worrying about or tuning out fretful crying. It's nice to be by myself and to be able to shut my office door and have Peace and Quiet, the ever-elusive, much longed-for states that motherhood shuts the door on with a firm and resounding bang!
My anxiety about leaving E is much less than I thought it would be, which makes me wonder if staying at home is the right decision for me after all. Maybe it'll be better for me to have a break and interact with grownups than to stay with him all the time. I do love my job a lot. If it were a mindless desk job this would be such an easier decision, but it is pretty much my dream job, and although it comes with its own shares of frustrations, it will be really hard to give it up.
Two more weeks before I make my final decision. We'll see what the remaining days will bring.