Monday, March 19, 2012

Will Miss/Won't Miss

St. Patrick's Day has been a special holiday for me for the past three years. It was on that day, in 2009, that I received the phone call that changed my life. It was on that day I was offered my current job.

The job I was working in 2009 was miserable. It was my first "real" job after two years of doing consultant work and even a part-time, unpaid internship. I was so excited to be joining the corporate world and to start making a salary. Unfortunately, the job turned out to be a nightmare. My boss was evil and acted bipolar - totally friendly one day and a crazy b!tch the next. She took her anger out on me as I was her only underling. I barely ever had work to do, even when I asked for more, and spent hours staring at my computer screen, writing and surfing the Web. I was stressed and unhappy all the time, and took my unhappiness home with me. Oftentimes I was angry at Mr. M. before he even walked in the door, for no reason.

When I saw the job opening here at my current work, I was SO excited. It was a fun, creative job in the tourism industry. I applied and waited for so long that I was sure I wasn't even going to be granted an interview. I was, and when I went in they informed me that 200 people had applied for the job, and they had chosen seven to interview.

I couldn't believe that I got it. I called my grandmother and shrieked in joy as quietly as I could. I walked down the hall and, terrified, gave my two weeks notice to Evil Boss (needless to say she did NOT take it well). I texted all of my friends and that night we slapped on our green and headed to our favorite bar to celebrate. It was one of the happiest days of my life and a day I remember very fondly.

This job has very much lived up to its hype. It has been a lot of fun and I feel a great amount of pride when I walk around with my staff name badge on - pride that I work at such a wonderful place. No, the job isn't perfect and I have my share of frustrations with my supervisors, but it's not a typical desk job and for that I am very grateful. While I don't always enjoy the work I do here, just being here sometimes is enough to make up for it.

So here I sit on a rainy Monday, almost three years to the day that I got this job, contemplating leaving this place behind to stay at home with my little E. I know it is what I should do and I know I won't ever regret it. I know that this is the right thing to do and that I will never be on my deathbed wishing I had spent more time at work and less with E. I know that I want E to spend his early years with me, and not a day care provider.

I also know that staying at home won't be a cake walk. E was super, super fussy all weekend and this morning I was very frazzled and having to really steel myself to be patient with him. It was a contest I narrowly won. I know that I will have to have outlets for myself, time to myself while E is at Mother's Day out and maybe eventually even a part-time job to keep my writing, editing and PR skills sharp.

I know that quitting is right for me and I have pretty much made up my mind to give my notice a week from today. It is not going to be easy. I am going to miss this place, my co-workers and the wonderful team of people I work with. I am going to miss being able to go on little adventures every day and experience things not many people ever get to do.

What I won't miss is the dragging exhaustion I feel every morning. I won't miss handing E over to day care every morning and having to turn him over to Mr. M. every evening so I can do chores. I won't miss this constant feeling that I have NO TIME for anything other than the bare necessities of survival. I won't miss being short-tempered with Mr. M. and losing my patience with E so quickly. I won't miss the way laundry piles up, dishes sit gummy and unwashed and a layer of dust covers everything in our bedroom. I won't miss all the fast food we've been eating because I'm too tired to even contemplate cooking a healthy meal.

There are many other things I won't miss, in a different way. I won't miss out on E's smiles and snuggles. I won't miss his first laugh or the first time he pushes up on his hands and knees. I won't miss his first crawl, or his first step, or the first time he realizes what the word "Mama" means.

I won't have to scrimp and save my vacation to spend time with him around the holidays. I won't have to stress about saving my sick leave in case he gets sick. I won't have to parcel out time spent with relatives during visits, since all of our family is within about an hour drive of us and I can take day trips to see them.

I'll be there for every tear, every milestone, every smile and every giggle. I will be there for my son, my little miracle baby, to love him and encourage him and teach him how to be a person.

I am so blessed to have the opportunity to stay home with him, and to have the complete support of my husband and family.


  1. i am SO happy for you! i know it wasn't an easy decision, but like you said - on your deathbed you won't regret spending less time at work and more time with E. congratulations on your new job as a SAHM!

    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement and support as I go through this big change! It means a lot to me!

  2. Its good that you'll be there for all the milestones.

  3. This post sums up exactly how I've been feeling - and I haven't even returned to work yet! You are right, I don't think there's anyone who regrets staying home with their kids, but I hear lots of people saying how they regret having to work when their kids were little. I'm sure you'll love being a SAHM!