Friday, March 9, 2012

Smile, and my heart is breaking...

E isn't much of a smiler yet. We have to work really hard to get a true smile and when we get one it totally delights us.

On Wednesday when I went to pick him up at day care, he was laying on the floor on a playmat, kicking his feet and looking around. I squatted down next to him and exclaimed his name, and he greeted me with the most beautiful, joyful, long-lasting smile I have ever seen from him.

It warmed my heart and broke my heart at the same time.

I feel so guilty for leaving him all day every day. I already feel like I'm detached and disconnected from him and that our connection isn't as visceral as it used to be.

And mostly, I miss him.

Yes, I was kind of going crazy while stuck at home, but now I'm just so sad and kind of gloomy feeling, like Eeyore.

Plus, my lingering sickness and its accompanying slight fever means I have to keep my distance from him as much as I can, so I can't even snuggle him in the evenings now!

Being sick with the flu my first week at work with no sick leave left and the busiest two weeks of the year coming = major suckage.

Charity function is tomorrow night. In a moment of feminine determination I booked myself a luxurious hot stone massage for the afternoon. I wanted one the entire time I was pregnant but never got around to it. I'll go be pampered, come home and pour myself a glass of wine and get ready for a fun evening out. Even if I have to stuff my purse with Kleenex.

I'm trying to decide what I think about the new PAIL blogroll. I'm even more stuck in no (wo)man's land than most because while I have an infertile condition, high FSH, I was blessed with a miracle pregnancy on my first try and didn't go through anywhere near the heartbreak most members of the ALI community have. What are your thoughts? Are you joining or will you join if you become pregnant? I don't think I'm even ON the SQ blogroll despite emailing her months and months ago.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. I am looking forward to some time with E, even if I'm just watching him from far away.

Time to go blow by dose again...

1 comment:

  1. I think I'll just stay where I am on SQ's roll. Then again I've never been pregnant long enough to deliver so who knows.