Warning: This is a griping, whining post about the exhaustion and frustrations of motherhood for me. I understand that you may not want to read it as many of you would give anything to be in my shoes. However, I have always been determined to write honestly about what I am thinking. So here goes.
All right, so here's my version of Though Vomit Thursday (but without the picture because the photo itself kind of makes me want to vomit):
-Halfway through my second week as a working mom, I am so exhausted that my teeth hurt. E has been sleeping through the night which is wonderful, but I can't seem to catch enough sleep. Every morning it is such a struggle to get myself out of bed and get through my long days. I leave the house at 7 a.m. and return at 6 p.m.
-It's getting easier to leave E at daycare, but I still don't like it. He's there from 7 a.m. to 5:45 p.m. every day and it just seems like too long. I hate him being there so much. When I go to pick him up he's usually in his bouncy swing with a group of 3 year-olds clustered around admiring him and talking to him. It's pretty darn adorable. Then they see me and they're all "Aww, baby go home?"
-AF has returned with a vengeance. She visited for the first time last month and it was longer, heavier and much more painful than ever before. It was awful. She has returned again as of yesterday and it looks like it is going to be more of the same. For some reason, I get a little sore down there again whenever she arrives - not sure what is up with that and sorry for the TMI.
-My clothes are driving me NUTS. Only a few of my pre-pregnancy size 16s fit me, but the 16Ws I bought a few weeks ago have huge gaps in the waist. I am uncomfortable all the time and it's incredibly aggravating.
-I'm still weighing my options about possible becoming a stay at home mom. I believe in my heart that it is what I should do and I know I won't regret it, but it is going to be very difficult to leave my job. It was my dream job and I beat 200 applicants to get it, and it is a lot of fun most of the time. I know that's selfish of me, but I haven't yet gotten to where I am sure of what I should do.
-E has had the sniffles for about a week, but no cough or fever. We use a humidifier in the room and I use saline drops and an aspirator. He screams like I'm trying to murder him every time and it breaks my heart.
-Our house is a total disaster area, or was until last night. I gave E to Mr. M. and after working a full day, came home and: washed and put away all the dishes and E's bottle parts, cleaned the kitchen, hung up the mounds of clothes in our bedroom and closet, dusted the bedroom while stepping over and around piles of Mr. M's backpacking stuff, cleaned the bathroom mirrors and counters and started a load of laundry - the first of about a dozen I'm sure. Meanwhile, Mr. M. slept on the couch with E and gave him a bottle. After the bottle E started crying loudly and after the paci didn't calm him down Mr. M. decided to just sit there holding him and let him scream while wearing his "I'm SO tired/poor me" expression. So AFTER all of my chores, I had to pick E up and walk him around to soothe him, then rock him for a while and put him to bed while Mr. M. fell asleep on the couch. I then had to heat up leftover pizza for Mr. M. (which I had originally planned on eating but he wouldn't eat anything else) and force him to eat it so he wouldn't stumble off to bed all "woe is me, my wife didn't feed me and I'm SO tired."
-Since I have returned to work, Mr. M. has been getting on my nerves. I realize that he was spoiled while I was on maternity leave, but he doesn't seem to understand that I can't continue to do EVERYthing anymore. He helps with nothing - no dishes, no laundry, no house cleaning, no grocery buying. Doesn't take out the trash, cook or pick up dinner or help with tidying up after dinner. He won't learn how to bathe E because he says he can "figure it out." The other night as I escaped for a few blissful moments in the bathtub, he soothed E with a pacifier when he knew he was hungry so he wouldn't have to get up and make him a bottle. He gets this martyred, exhausted look on his face when I ask him to help and does his best to act like he's just SO exhausted he couldn't possibly go on. It makes me hate him, especially in my current state of frazzled exhaustion. I'm just not sure how to approach the subject with him as any criticism of any kind causes him to immediately just shut down - he can't handle it.
Look, dude, I get that you're tired and you work long days, I really do. But you are no longer the one who works the longest day and is the most tired - that is now ME. It's not a competition, but you have GOT to suck it up and help me a little here, and withOUT the drama and "woe is me" act. I know you love me and E both dearly, but that love needs to be shown in actions. Help me. Please. I can't keep this one man show up much longer.
And you wonder why I wasn't exactly "in the mood" last weekend. Trust me buddy - help me, and I will be much more amenable to "helping" you. *wink wink*
Okay. Whining over.
I am so glad you wrote this as I needed this today. My life feels so much like you wrote except our son is now 2 years old and I have had to struggle with all of this every week since he was born. I so wish i could stay home with our son as I hate day care. Our son got so sick there seemed like evry week he got something and now he is in the early toddler class and its been so hard on me. The guilt of working and leaving him long hours and recently he has been bitten 4 times on his forearms and his face scratched up by another child. Nothing is easy and my house is always a disaster and I am so exhausted. Sorry you are struggling but its good to read it may be somewhat normal for us working Mothers and wives. I wish there was an easy answer for it. You are lucky if you have the option to stay home, if you can you should do it. The stress of a full time job is so difficult with all the rest we have to do! Good luck.
ReplyDeletevent away! it's your blog, so you can say whatever you want. :) i'm sorry it's been so rough on you, especially feeling like you're doing it alone. i'm sure if you talk to him about how you feel, maybe from a positive starting point (like starting out with how you appreciate how hard he works at his job, etc.), he'll understand where you're coming from and want to be more of a team. i've found that when i butter B up, it makes my complaint about him go over more smoothly. maybe y'all could set saturdays aside as chore day and y'all could split the work up. i hope you're able to reach a decision about the job situation. i felt guilty leaving my job, too, like i was betraying them or something, but i knew it was what was right for me. if you decide to keep working, more power to ya! i'm sure you'll be a fantastic mom either way. big hugs! i promise it will get easier. :)
ReplyDelete