Help.

I'm flailing. I'm terrified. I'm struggling to hold onto my hope.

Doctor's office called. Ultrasound showed a ruptured luteal sac. Not quite sure what that is but apparently it helps with progesterone. So they sent me for some blood work (as in immediately) and on my way home I'm picking up a prescription for progesterone pills to take every night. I'm a bit scared of the side effects.

Also, the nurse felt it was helpful to mention that the baby's heartbeat was a bit low at 6w2d and 112 bpm. How nice of you to remind me.

I asked, "So are we super worried about anything right now?" and she said no. So I guess that's something.

The office closes at 12 tomorrow so I have to call the nurse at 11 to see if they have my lab work back.

I've also been referred to a maternal fetal medicine doctor (basically a high risk pregnancy doctor) and an oncologist (to check me over and see what we need to watch for).

Oh and I'm RH negative (blood type O-) and Mr. M. is A+ so I had to have a shot since I had bleeding. Even though it was super light and the nurse told me I only had to call if it was heavy and/or bright red. Apparently I'm the exception. Basically since my blood is negative, if any of the baby's blood gets into my body my immune system will start attacking it. So I have a card I have to keep in my wallet in case I'm in an accident or something so they know to give me another shot. And I have to call ANY time there's bleeding.

Oh, and Mr. M's great uncle died on Tuesday night and we have a funeral to go to tomorrow out of town. Fun times.

Oh, and my boss is being a TOTAL. BITCH. She knows what is going on with me and yet had the nerve to be totally nasty about taking the day off tomorrow for the funeral, even after I volunteered to come in and work until 10:30. Excuse me, bitch, but this is MY personal time which I am taking. And I may be taking off a lot right now, but let me assure you that NONE of it is fun time off. It's not like I'm skipping happily into the sunset tomorrow - I'm going to a fucking FUNERAL. Of a great, kind man who deserves to be honored. Why do you care, anyway? As I said, I have PLENTY of time off banked right now and I have a RIGHT to use it whenever I want, unless you have a VALID reason. Oh, I need to help with the phones? Well, you have a full-time AND a part-time receptionist working tomorrow, and oh also it's NOT MY FUCKING JOB.
Oh, you're off tomorrow, too? So you don't want me to have off simply because you are and you want to feel special? Maybe that's it.

She was also nasty about me leaving for what I described as "semi-emergency bloodwork" and didn't even ask if everything was all right.

Listen lady. If you think for a SECOND that my health, the health of my baby, and the prevention of miscarriage should take a backseat to you being inconvenienced or annoyed, you've got another damn thing coming. You have NO idea what I'm going through or what it's like to be me right now. You have NO idea what it's like to live in a constant fear that you are going to do something wrong or that your body is going to try to betray you.

Don't mess with this high risk pregnancy girl. I promise you, I will win. And I will take this to HR if it continues.

Sorry this blog was very rant-y and screech-y and shout-y. If you managed to make it all the way through, bless you.

Help.

We have a heartbeat!

After a scary and frustrating day, we finally heard a heartbeat at 2:30 today!

Heartbeat was 112 bpm and baby measured at 6 weeks 2 days..

Will post more tomorrow. Right now I have to watch the weather because there's tornaders a comin' our way!

Better.

Welcome ICLWers! To read my welcome post, click here. I'm so glad you stopped by!

By about ten a.m. yesterday morning, the light bleeding from Saturday night had stopped. I still felt crampy all day, but that's pretty much par for the course. I surprised myself by getting a really good night's sleep last night and woke up feeling refreshed and cheerful. Only one more sleep until we find out what's actually going on in that uterus of mine!

At this point, I know I've done everything I can. No sex, no exercise, no heavy lifting, no caffeine, no carbonated sodas, no alcohol. I've taken my vitamins and supplement on time every day and have never missed one. I haven't put any medicine or artificial sweeteners into my body. I've taken it easy, lowered the temperature of my baths and am putting my feet up every chance I've had. The one thing that hasn't been great is my eating, but I am still working on it!

It's out of my hands. When my bleeding started Saturday night, Mr. M. said, "You've done everything right so far. There's nothing else we can do." At this point I totally believe that is true.

Today I am going to try to focus on my work to distract me(and maybe reading some blogs) and staying as calm and relaxed as I can.

Tomorrow is a big day. A BIG. DAY. But whatever happens, I have been blessed beyond belief to have experienced being pregnant even for a little while. It hasn't exactly been "fun," but it has been an amazing experience. Hopefully an experience that will continue in a healthy, normal way.

Wishing you all a wonderful week as you face whatever challenges and worries you are dealing with right now. You're not alone - none of us are.

Bleeding.

Cramping got worse yesterday.

Last night and this morning, slight dark pink bleeding on the TP. Not too heavy yet.

I have to work today so I can't even stay horizontal on the couch, which is what I REALLY want to do. Just trying to stay sitting as much as possible.

Pray for me.

Bonjour, bon giorno and hola, ICLWers!

My Story, or "Never, Ever, Ever Give Up"
So.

If you go read last month's ICLW post, you might be shocked to learn what has happened since.

A quick recap. I survived cancer at the age of 17. This year, I did some pre-baby blood tests to see if the treatments had affected my fertility (I am now 26). They had. I was diagnosed with High FSH, which means my eggs were diminished in quality and/or quality. Before we even started trying, we were told we would have challenges. My OBGYN did not pass go and immediately referred me to an RE, who didn't have an appointment available until June 16. In the meantime, we decided to try naturally.

A couple of weeks ago, I was (I thought) finishing my first natural cycle off of birth control. I had temped and done an OPK, with timed intercourse the day before, of, and after ovulation. About two weeks later, I was waiting for AF (Aunt Flo) to arrive.

She never did.

But THIS happened:


It was the biggest "holy shit" moment of my entire life. Read about it here.

Later that day, a beta of 600 confirmed the pregnancy. Two days later I was up to 1873 and I had a whole new kind of WTF meeting with my doctor.

I'm pregnant. 6 weeks and 3 days to be exact. And I'm high risk simply because of my high FSH and my medical history. My OBGYN is stepping into the role of the RE, ordering the early blood tests and ultrasounds and monitoring me carefully. I have an appointment on Tuesday, May 24 to check for a fetal pole and/or possibly a heartbeat. My protocol according to Dr. A. and to my own preferences is:

-No exercise (Dr. A)
-No sex (Dr. A)
-No heavy lifting (Dr. A)
-No caffeine (Me)
-No alcohol (Dr. A)
-No carbonated beverages (Dr A. - she believes that since carbonation leaches calcium from bones in adults, it could theoretically do the same to a baby.)
-Lots of rest and time spent sitting and laying down (Me)
-Prenatal Vitamin (Vitamin Code Raw Prenatal) (Me)
-Essential Fatty Acid Supplement (Expecta)(Dr. A)
-Lots and lots and LOTS of water (Me)

In the meantime, I'm suffering from abdominal cramping (which they assure me is normal), nausea that lingers in the back of my throat (but which mercifully has not made me sick yet), slightly larger, slightly tender boobs and the ever-so-fun rushes to the bathroom every hour.

I'm currently trying to stay as relaxed and optimistic but time is going SO slowly as I wait for my appointment next week.

So join me on this crazy journey! We'll see what this month brings...

Five more.

Five. More. Sleeps. Until. Next. Tuesday.

Had more bloodwork drawn today. Another HcG as well as a urinalysis and checking for lots of fun diseases and disorders. Unfortunately my OBGYN's office closes at noon tomorrow and my lab is super slow, so I probably won't have my results until Monday.

Slowly. Losing. My. Mind.

Waiting is not my strong suit.

UPDATE: Blood work came back fine. They actually didn't test the HcG again because at this stage they levels have probably started (naturally) falling. They confirmed that my blood type is O negative, which means I will need some additional shots but that's it.

Stasis...

Stasis, n:a state or condition in which there is no action or progress; static situation: dramatic stasis .

That's where we are right now.

As of today, I am 5 weeks, 7 days pregnant. So far, it has been an incredible journey.

I am 7 sleeps away from our first ultrasound to check for a heartbeat and/or a fetal pole. I will be right on the edge of being able to hear a heartbeat but they're not sure. The nurse told me that once they hear a heartbeat, the risk of something going wrong (I cannot bring myself to even type the dreaded "m" word) decreases by 80 percent.

So now, I wait. And wait. Each day drags by with aching slowness and I wonder how I can possibly survive 239 more days of this without losing what's left of my sanity.

I'm trying to stay calm. I'm trying, as Mr. M. and my grandma keep advising me, to find the joy in this experience and to not let fear rule my life. It is MUCH easier said that done.

I am still cramping, which they say is nothing to worry about. It's like menstrual cramps in a way - they come and go and I just feel very swollen and tender in my lower abdomen. I appreciate the cramps because they mean that my uterus is growing, but they are also a constant reminder of my condition and all the things that could go wrong. Between the cramps and the (sorry TMI) increased discharge, I feel like I am bleeding all. The time.

As for other symptoms - my boobs are a teeny bit tender but not too bad. I am having more and more bouts of nausea that just kind of settles in the back of my throat and sits there. I haven't reached the "totally exhausted" part yet but I am sleeping better than usual.

I'm peeing more too. Every time I go, there's a moment of breathless terror when I pull down my underwear. Sometimes I even do it with my eyes closed and then have to brace myself to open them. It it's clear of blood or spotting, I relax a little bit, but only until I wipe. Then the whole process starts all over again. Sorry if that's TMI, but this is honesty, folks. And honestly, this is quite a scary experience.

I took some days off of work (the ones that were supposed to be my New Orleans trip) and today is the first day back. It's good because it provides a distraction, but not so good because MAN is today going slowly. I can't seem to make myself concentrate or focus.

It feels like the rest of the world should be held in suspension while we wait. It feels like everything should change, adjust, make way for me and my new worries. It is amazing to me how SO much has changed in a week, yet life is going on just the same way it has every day.

I thank God every morning that we have made it to another day. I plead with Him every night to make this right; make this stick; help this to be healthy and successful through and through.

If you're a religious person, please pray for me. If not, please send me some love and light, or good vibes, or whatever you feel like. I'm sending the same to all of those bloggers who are struggling right now with their BFNs, or about to trigger for their next IUI, or beginning the steps to another IVF. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

2nd Beta is in!

And it's good!

Went from 600 Monday to 1873 today! MAN what a relief! When she called the nurse said, "It's great!"

Also, the nurse assured me that the cramping right now it totally normal as long as I don't have any bright red bleeding.

Today is a good day.

Watch that first step...

...it's a doosie!

Met with my OB yesterday afternoon. She was very honest in the fact that I may not carry this baby to term, but very excited for me at the moment. She immediately classified me as a high risk pregnancy, which I was sort of expecting but was very scary nonetheless. She answered all of my questions about what to watch for, what to do and not to do, etc.

I had to cancel my New Orleans trip which was planned for this Friday. It was a bummer, but she doesn't want me away from her practice at this most delicate time. Luckily we were flying Southwest, so we were able to get our tickets transferred to travel vouchers which we have a year to use. Southwest is such an amazing company, especially when it comes to customer service.

So, for now - no heavy lifting, no exercise, no sex, no flying. She added an essential fatty acid supplement called Expecta to my prenatal vitamins.

As for symptoms, the main one is mild cramping. My OB seemed worried about this as it could be a sign of ectopic pregnancy, but Dr Google assures me that some cramping is normal in early pregnanct. I know Dr A is just being cautious right now, which I understand and appreciate. I have a few twinges of nausea in the mornings that seem to be worsening, but so far I haven't been actually sick. Also a few boob twinges, but nothing severe.

Telling Mr. M. went very well. I found a baby picture frame at Hallmark that said "miracle" and had a stock photo of a baby inside of it. I put my positive pregnancy test inside it (in a plastic bag)and hid it under his pillow with a sweet card announcing that I was pregnant. He was understandably shocked and started trembling. It was a wonderful moment. He is very excited and happy even though we have to be very cautious right now and take it one day at a time. He was being very protective last night, which completely and utterly melted my heart.

Going for my second beta and progesterone blood test today at lunchtime, with results tomorrow. Since I was at 600 on Monday, I should be near 1200 today. The test can also help detect an ectopic pregnancy.

So for now, I am excited and completely and utterly terrified of something going wrong. But I am hanging in there.

If you are a religious person, please pray for me. If not, just send some love and light my way and I will really appreciate it.

Will update as soon as I get beta results back...

This is unreal...

The call came, as I knew it would, as I was sitting in a meeting with a bunch of division heads. Luckily the meeting was winding down, so I was able to grab my phone and run out the door. I hightailed it to a quiet cooridor and waited.

"Well, the result is positive, so you are pregnant," said the nurse. "Your numbers are at about 600, so it's a very early pregnancy."

It was wonderful and shocking to hear.

I'm in a bit of a unique situation right now. I've got high FSH, which causes infertility, yet somehow I am pregnant naturally on my very first try off of birth control pills. I've been referred to an RE, but my appointment with her isn't until June 16. If I had been seeing her already, she would be scheduling all of my blood tests and ultrasounds, since OBs generally won't see you until you're 8 weeks along.

My OB's office is being wonderful about working with me so far. They want me to come in this afternoon and meet with the doctor to talk about what happens next.

To top this all off, I still haven't told Mr. M. I didn't tell him last night because he is super stressed at work right now and I didn't want him to be worrying all day like I have been. Plus, I wanted to doctor to confirm the pregnancy.

So tonight, assuming all goes well at the doctor, I have found a wonderful way to tell him. I am so looking forward to sharing this amazing, truly miraculous news.

B.F.....

P!

Doctor's office just confirmed - I'm PREGNANT! Hcg number was 600!

Holy shit, ya'll!!!!!!

WHAT???!!!!!

Holy shit, you guys.




This happened this morning. Second line appeared within seconds. Hands immediately went numb. Shaking. Sweating. Heart racing. Tears.

Call in to my OBGYN to get me in for an in office urine test and a beta blood test. They had better call back soon, because I WILL be calling every hour until I hear from them.

Pray for me.

*UPDATE: Just returned from the lab after getting my blood drawn. God bless my OBGYN's office for sending me for the test. She said they might run the tests at night so I may have to wait until tomorrow to find out.

Right now I am FORCIBLY restraining myself from running to Dr Google with search terms like "false positive pregnancy test" and the like. Since I did take a negative test about five days ago, I'm a little apprehensive.

I feel okay, though. Understandably anxious for my results, but feeling like I will be okay if it turns out to be a false positive. I will NOT be POAS again until after I hear from the lab.

This has been a crazy day, ya'll.

*UPDATE AGAIN: Well, it's ten minutes to five and I have to assume I'm waiting until tomorrow for the results.

In other news, no one EVAR. Calls me. But today as I am waiting for the biggest news of my life I get not one but TWO calls from strange numbers - neither of them the lab. The vet and the eye doctor just decided to call me today of all days.

Thinking I'm not going to get a lot of sleep tonight...

Can I just take a minute to thank all of the gracious, caring ladies who took time to leave me happy thoughts as they go through struggles of their own? You ladies are amazing.

Still waiting...

Still waiting for AF to show her ugly face. I've taken two pregnancy tests and both are negative, but until I'm SURE sure I'm still avoiding strenuous, high-impact exercise and the like. It will almost be a relief for AF to show up, since I know she's on her way, so I can stop treating myself like I'm so fragile!

In miraculous news, Team Baby CEO just had something AMAZING happen to her today, so go post your positive thoughts on her blog! She was one of my very first blog readers so she's pretty special to me.

I've added two new pages recently - the Cooking and Crafting page, where I will share my weekly meal plan and try to post one of my favorite recipes, and the Eating and Exercising page, where I will post my food and exercise log as I attempt to slim down. I hope you enjoy them!

Working an overnight volunteer shift tonight from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m., the reporting to work for a full nine hours at 8 a.m. The shift allows some limited time for sleep, but I still feel like tomorrow is going to be a VERY long day.

Me? Little ole Me?

Last week I was pleased and surprised to be awarded two very sweet blog awards from Team Baby CEO over at Team Baby. If you have a minute, stop by and leave her an encouraging comment, as she is having a rough time.





I am now supposed to pass these awards along to some of my favorite bloggers. Keep in mind that I am very new to the infertility blogging world, so I am still finding great blogs every day.

These are the rules:
1. Winners grab the image above and put it in your blog.
2. Link back to the person who gave you it.
3. Tell 10 things about yourself
4. Award to new and old favorite, fabulous bloggers that I think you should check out
5. Contact the bloggers you have awarded to let them know they have won

I am passing on the awards to these lovely ladies:

Dealing with DOR
Chasing Our Stork
Marriage 2.0
Hope Springs Eternal
Someday
Life and Love in the Petri Dish

If you have received either of these awards before, don't worry about re-posting it all over again. I just wanted to recognize some blogs I admire and draw inspiration from, for a variety of reasons.

Ten Things About Miss Conception:
1. I read. Constantly. All the time. Love having a good book in my hand.
2. I hate blow up holiday decorations, as in the giant snowmen you see on people's lawns.
3. I once literally ran into Ted Kennedy while touring the U.S. capital. As in SMACK excuse me Mr. Kennedy.
4. Green fireworks are my least favorite.
5. I have a weird way of eating Snickers bars, not that I do it often. It started in Jr. High. I eat all the chocolate off the edges and bottom, then eat the nougat, and finish up with the caramel and nuts.
6. I love love LOVE taking hot baths (they are now merely WARM baths due to IF worries) with a good book and a glass of red wine (now forbidden as we TTC). I can stay there for hours.
7. I listen to classical music when I drive because it lessens the urge to scream/curse/kill people during the two hours a day I spend commuting.
8. I love fried pickles with ranch.
9. I am a super light sleeper and have to rely on a sleep mask and ear plugs to make it through the night. I won't get into bed until our room is tidy and the bed is smoothly made.
10. I am a self-taught cook and am always looking for new recipes, especially for soups and stews.

And the world gets smaller...

I was manning the reception desk at work today so the receptionist could go to lunch. Two ladies came in to meet with our special events coordinator, K. One of them was in scrubs. When she introduced herself to K, she gave her name as Sue Smith*.

"Wait, doctor Sue Smith?" I asked. She nodded.

"I'm coming to see you on June 16. It was the first available appointment," I said. We both laughed. She made a little joke about it being all her office manager's fault and then went with K for their meeting. She asked my name and said it was nice to meet me.

It was my RE, guys. The woman who will soon know more about me than most of my family members. It was strange, surreal, and SO coincidental.

I liked her immediately. She is pretty but looked naturally so, not overly made up. And she had a friendly, warm and open face.

The world is a small place, ya'll.
*!Obviously Sue Smith isn't really her name.
In other news, Aunt Flo still hasn't made her appearance and my cramps have stopped. Could it have just been part of my upset tummy this morning? Who knows?

In other other news, doesn't THIS look amazing?


It's cannelini bean and sausage stew from over at Kalyn's Kitchen. She has SO many amazing recipes for the South Beach plan. I made this stew last night and it was so good that Mr. M. and I didn't even speak to each other while we were eating - we just shoveled the stew into our mouths. I'll post the recipe over on my Crafting and Cooking page soon.

Going to POAS when I get home today to put myself out of my misery. Wish me luck!

Sadface...

Well, my abdomen is cramping in that recognizable way that means Aunt Flo is soon to make an appearance. It is making me sad, but again I wasn't exactly expecting to get pregnant on the very first try, especially with my high FSH.

So, resigned and waiting for her arrival. Sigh.

My first two week wait...

Can I just say that this whole 2ww (two week wait) thing SUCKS. In fact, one might go so far as to say it sucks big hairy balls. Those two or three moments of random nausea? Probably just my imagination. Sharp cramping in my abdomen? Just gas, I'm sure. A couple of twinges in the boob area? Probably just AF making her way in. Tiredness? Surely just the result of a busy week.

As this is my first cycle off of birth control, I'm not really sure when to expect Aunt Flo. Were I still on my pills, the start date would be this Thursday or thereabouts. But since I ovulated later, does that mean I will start later? It's all so confusing!

I think I am cautiously optimistic about this, our very first, natural cycle of trying to conceive. Meaning that we're having fun saying, "Wouldn't it be awesome if," and the like. But mentally, I feel prepared to deal with my very first BFN. I like to look for the bright side of things, and my bright side for a BFN during this first try is that I'll be able to drink on my New Orleans trip next week! I mean, whatever works, right?

Sorry I've been absent for a few days, but life decided to get really. Freaking. Busy. on me so I've been out of pocket. Instead of five blissful days off from work I got one day of home repair, one day of chores, one day of crazy running around, one day of (awesome) hiking and one day with my family for a belated Easter celebration. Not exactly the peaceful, relaxing break that I had imagined, but oh well!

So on Wednesday, we got to deal with THIS:

Meet the lovely hole in my bathroom floor! Oh wait, you couldn't reach the leak so now you're drilling ANOTHER hole? Awesome!

Why hello, additional gigantic hole in our hallway. So happy you could join in the fun! At least we found the leak this time, right?

And what a leak it was! *sarcasm*

THAT tiny little hole caused our WHOLE bathroom floor to heat up and forced me to take lukewarm, miserable showers and refrain from doing dishes or laundry for TWO WEEKS??!! I hate gophers. More than I hate Donald Trump. And that's saying a lot, people.

After a rough start to the day on Saturday, Mr. M. and I jumped in the car and headed to a small national park about an hour away. It was a beautiful day and it felt SO good to be out in nature with Mr. M., just hiking and talking about things. He sets a pretty brisk pace, though, so my calves are still feeling it today!



Finally, some peace and relaxation...


Sunday was belated Easter at Grandma's and MAN was it hard to stay away from the wine, Cokes and freshly brewed coffee, especially without seeming conspicuous to my family! Grandma knows, of course, but she's the only one.

And sadly, after two weeks of half-assing the whole healthy eating thing, I have put myself and my tighter pants back on the South Beach Diet. See my menu plan for the week under the "cooking and crafting" page.

Waiting to see what this week brings...Thanks for hanging in there on a long post!